I lived with my boyfriend for a year and a half, but recently he moved to Brooklyn (I am still in New Jersey). Our understanding was that our relationship was still "boyfriends." But he and I got together only three times in the month after he moved, and then he suddenly stopped returning phone calls and e-mail. A few weeks later, I received a very brief e-mail saying that I should just get on with my life because he was too emotionally immature to have a boyfriend. He told me to stop trying to contact him.
I knew that he had some problems (he is 22, and I am 27, so I am more stable). But I promised him that I would always be there for him and take care of him.
I have no idea what happened with him, but I know that I still love him, and a promise is a promise. E-mails and phone calls have not been returned, though. And one night I waited outside his apartment for him to get home from work, but it was hours and I never saw him. What should I do? Should I leave him alone as he asks, or should I fight to get him back? I don't know whether I should go to his work or wait outside his apartment again -- but he won't talk with me any other way.
Please help! Jilted in Jersey
Dear Jilted Sir,
A promise is a promise, yes -- but the end of a relationship usually cancels many promises of the "everlasting devotion" sort (or at least changes how these obligations can and should be fulfilled). And that, I'm sorry to say, describes your situation: Your relationship has ended. You have been broken up with. It hurts, I know -- and you've been dumped in an extremely callous way. But you must face facts. Your "till death do us part" guarantee has been rendered null and void.
So don't start stalking the fellow. I'm not suggesting that you have to give up on love without a fight, but the line between "persistent" and "restraining order" is all too easy to trip over. Send a love letter, yes. Send flowers, sure. Leave one last pleading message on his answering machine -- well, it's worth a shot. But sitting in your car across the street from his apartment all night? Hmmm. There's that line I just mentioned.
Start the healing process by asking yourself, "Why would I even want a self-described 'immature' boyfriend who breaks up with people by e-mail?" Then, although your romantic relationship has ended, and although you have been released from your "stuck like glue to my guy" vow, you can offer to be your ex's friend. This is a compassionate, gentlemanly thing to do (and you sound like a compassionate guy). Let him know that you still care for him, and that you will always be a helpful ally to him when he needs one. Only if you think he is in some sort of real danger should you do more than that.
Next week: "I'm proud that my partner is becoming a porn star. But my friends think I should be ashamed -- and that I should dump him. I'm so confused!" In the next Social Grace column, Charles has some advice for a porn star's boyfriend.
No matter how you choose to celebrate PlanetOut Partners, Inc. encourages you to enjoy alcoholic beverages responsibly. Responsibility is always welcome.
Entertainment
Money & Careers
Living
Dear Social Grace,
