PFLAG Starts
From Scratch
by Jim Provenzano
When Susan Stamkiss, a Virginia mother with a gay son, wanted to speak to her congressman, she was turned away. When told she'd baked a fresh apple pie, they welcomed her with open arms. The way to even a politician's heart, it seems, is through the stomach.
To kick off its annual convention timed to coincide with the Millennium March on Washington, Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG), the largest national group of its kind, held a bake-off of delicious apple pies.
The next day they presented pies to several dozen members of Congress as a symbolic gesture that family values include them -- as parents of GLBT people and voters.
Dough was shaped, apples were cut, flour flew, and smiles and hugs were shared in the kitchen of D.C.'s New York Avenue Presbyterian Church, the site of countless gay-inclusive events over the years. The bake-off was sponsored by HERO Magazine.
PFLAG's other events at their 17th annual conference include a Youth and Education Institute, a speech by pro-gay bishop Thomas G. Gumbleton of Detroit, a dinner with actress Stockard Channing honoring the parents of Matthew Shepard, and a keynote speech given by the vice president's wife, Tipper Gore.
Founded in 1972 by Jeanne and Jules Manford after they witnessed the violent assault of their son, Morton, on the local news, PFLAG now boasts over 450 affiliate chapters with over 75,000 members.
"I saw this as an educational experience," said Kathryn Warrior, of Portland, OR. She and her husband Allen joined PFLAG after their son came out. "We're also patrons of the Gay Men's Chorus," Allan added as he busily peeled apples.
While visiting the nation's capital, Warrior suggested more people visit the Holocaust Memorial Museum, which includes exhibits about gays imprisoned and killed in Nazi concentration camps. "Maybe if they did, they would be a little more tolerant," she said.
"We like the support," said John Diehl, of Glendora, CA, who filled a pie shell with his wife Denise. Their son came out in 1992. "We had a gay friend, but he never talked about his family," said John. "Now we know a lot more." The Diehls say that PFLAG fills those gaps.
Among the bakers was Norma Coates of Colton, CA. Led by former religious speechwriter and SoulForce leader Mel White, Coates was among the 200 invitees to a 1999 dinner with Southern Baptist leader Jerry Falwell -- except they weren't served dinner, just water.
"They weren't allowed to eat with 'sinners,'" said Coates, a widow whose gay son died of AIDS in 1991. "They told us our kids were gonna go to hell." Coates has been active in both Soulforce and PFLAG, hoping to change fundamentalists as she herself has changed.
"This is a very home-centered effort," said Kirsten Kingdon, executive director of PFLAG, as she spoke to her baking contingent. "We see people we love and care about who are suffering. And I can't think of anything more American than an apple pie. I wish you luck in reaching the hearts, minds -- and stomachs! -- of your legislators."
Pie Patrol
The halls of congressional offices have the eerie echo of the Emerald City's trail to Oz. But here, parents of gays are paying more attention to the men behind the curtain.
As they made their way to their public officials' offices, pies in hand, the Diehls were joined by Mel Trickey, whose gay son owns a furniture store in San Francisco's Castro District. He also has a lesbian daughter, and is a member of three PFLAG chapters in Southern California. "We're hoping to interact with the legislators," Trickey said. "Because they're Republican, and really haven't taken any pro-gay stance, I don't think they're very receptive. We'll see."
Also with them was Leonor B. Holmstrom, who started a Latino chapter of PFLAG in Pasadena, CA. "I've been going around to Latino groups, proposing to them to get together," she said. "That way we can have a force, an issue."
"Since the day they were born they are told it's a sin to be homosexual," said Holmstrom. "My daughter has struggled a lot, and we had a hard time at first. Of course, when I was in Catholic school, it was a sin to wear short socks!"
Despite her conflicts with her faith and its fashions, Holmstrom remains resolute. She's speaking on Mother's Day and at other upcoming events. "I'm hoping for a day when I can hear my grandchildren say, 'Grandma, is it true they used to discriminate against gay people?'"
Berkeley entrepreneur Rosemary Ehat, a former nun who is a lesbian, and Phil Lefcourt, a bisexual civil rights activist, conveyed a sense of trepidation mixed with quiet determination as they signed California Republican Congressman James E. Rogan's guestbook.
"They need to treat our family members the same way. That's why I'm here," said Denise Diehl.
And then the doors opened.
Framed posters and memorabilia of Nixon, Reagan, and other right-wing politicians loomed on the walls of Rogan's office. The group was led into a meeting room crammed with glass-encased gavels, newspaper headlines, and other memorabilia from the impeachment hearings of President Clinton, in which Rogan played a pivotal role. His aide, Grayson, proudly displayed the items as if they were safari trophy heads.
Congress was not in session and Rogan was actually in California. Nevertheless, the Diehls calmly told their story. "We just want our kids to have the same rights as everybody else," Denise told the aide. "My son's the same age as Matthew Shepard, she said calmly. "All of us know that that could have been our child. This has to stop."
The parents and other members focused on asking for Rogan's support on the ENDA, passage of the enhanced Hate Crimes bill, and reissuing funding for the Ryan White Care Act.
Lefcourt reminded Rogan's aide that kids in schools are not only the victims of hate crimes in schools, but often blamed by school administrators for bringing abuse upon themselves by being "too gay, flamboyant. Every child has the right to pursue an education without physical or emotional harm," he said. While racial and religious minorities are protected "to a certain extent, it's not being equally enforced for GLBT kids."
"It's all down to the interpretation," added Mel Trickey. "ENDA is one of those things that will bring protection. It needs to be in writing to be enforced."
Ms. Ehat reminded the aide that as a taxpayer and entrepreneur, "I pay taxes -- a lot of taxes. We're not getting the regular benefits other people do."
Mrs. Deihl reminded the Republican aide about the higher rate of suicide among GLBT teens, and the problem of homelessness that often arises when they are abused at home.
While Grayson maintained a polite demeanor, and even mentioned that gay staffers, albeit closeted, had worked for Rogan, he reminded the PFLAG folks that Rogan does not support a hate crimes bill, and would probably not support gay marriage.
Mr. Deihl offered the perspective that, in the case of Matthew Shepard's murder, the Laramie, Wyoming police were overwhelmed by the case, which has never been categorized as a hate crime. "Making such a heinous act a hate crime would allow federal intervention," Deihl said.
After leaving Rogan's office, and heading off to see a few more officials, the parents remained hopeful. "A personal visit has an impact," Trickey said.
"It's hard to know," said Denise Deihl. "I'm an optimistic person. You could get very discouraged, but they're taking it in."
"Especially when they get a pie," Holmstrom added.
"Did he say he was a pie or a cake man?" Ehat asked.
"A pie man."
"Oh, good."
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