The Ex-Files: Ex-Gay Caught in Gay Bar
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They have been lampooned on Will and Grace, ridiculed throughout the gay community, and condemned by
virtually all mainstream mental health organizations. But for thousands of "ex-gays," turning away from homosexuality is
very serious business.
In the last few months, the credibility of the movement suffered two big blows. In October, one of the of the most prominent "ex-gays," John Paulk,
was spotted at a gay bar in Washington, D.C. allegedly having a drink and fraternizing with other patrons. Paulk initially claimed that he was simply using the bathroom, but later admitted that claim was false. As a result, he was fired from his position as chair of Exodus International, a group claiming to help "convert" homosexual orientation to heterosexual. But he will continue to be associated with the group, which now claims that Paulk's trip to the bar was simply "a temporary escape from the responsibilities of the rest of his life." Then in January, the long-time leader of an "ex-gay" group in Britain announced that he had concluded that sexual orientation could not be changed.
Just three months before Paulk was spotted, he had talked to PlanetOut about his experiences as a "recovered" homosexual and the
solidity of his marriage and family. (Click here to read the interview.)
Even if Paulk's foray into a gay bar and the British leader's change of heart seem like irrefutable proof that conversion therapy doesn't work, there will undoubtedly
remain a large number of "ex-gays" who maintain that they have changed. There is, of course, no universally applicable "ex-gay" story,
but many "recovering" homosexuals -- at least in America --
share similar experiences and beliefs. Deeply religious, they feel trapped between their same-sex desires and their
deep-seated feeling that homosexuality is unnatural and wrong. Despite having struggled to reconcile the two competing
interests for years, they have come to the conclusion that being gay is simply not an option in their lives. So they must either
resign themselves to lives of celibacy or work to transform themselves into heterosexuals.
Can Sexuality Be Changed?
There are hundreds of ministries throughout the country that offer varying approaches to sexual conversion. Most combine
prayer, group therapy, and individual counseling into residential or drop-in programs that often last many years. Their
governing theory is that homosexuality is not primarily inborn, but rather results from a combination of early-childhood
experiences and traumas. Among these are sexual abuse, an overdeveloped relationship with the opposite-sex parent,
ridicule from peers, and -- above all -- an insufficient bond with the same-sex parent. These factors lead one to sexualize
members of the same gender. But if, through therapy, one "repairs" this damage and recognizes the roots of one's
homosexuality, these same-sex desires eventually go away.
Or so the theory goes. But most experts disagree. The American Psychiatric Association, which removed homosexuality
from its list of mental disorders 27 years ago, recently cancelled a debate on the effectiveness of "reparative" therapy and
suggested that performing such therapy might be unethical. Last year, the American Psychological Association officially
declared such therapy "scientifically ineffective and possibly harmful," according to the Chicago Tribune. And on July
24, the Human Rights Campaign released a new report on the
psychological dangers of ex-gay therapy.
Ex-Ex-Gay
There is a sizeable "ex-ex-gay" community consisting of people who have tried to alter their sexuality but concluded that it
was not possible. While numbers are difficult to come by, even the ex-gay ministries concede that probably less than a third
of people who enter the programs are "successful" -- and even fewer end up in long-term straight relationships.
Some "ex-gays" do end up married. Paulk, the "ex-gay" who was just caught in the gay bar, is a former drag queen who is now married (to a former lesbian) with two kids.
"What I have with my wife is so solid. We're best friends, and I love her so much. I have a solid family, and I wouldn't give that up for
anything," he told PlanetOut in June. "That's what brings me the joy that I have."
Even before the most recent twist in Paulk's strange story became public, most gay people were extremely skeptical that such relationships represented anything other than the repression of true desires. (In a
Newsweek poll, only 11 percent believed therapy could alter sexual orientation.) And many who have been through the therapy themselves believe that it does more harm than good because it reinforces negative self-perceptions. "I saw devastating consequences," said Jallen Rix, who spent a year and a half trying to change his orientation and now lives as an
openly gay man. And though most "ex-gay" ministries are ostensibly non-political, conservative religious organizations
opposed to gay rights have paid for ad campaigns touting conversion therapy and "successfully" recovered homosexuals.
But "ex-gays" themselves have a different perspective. "The gay community may not understand ex-gays. They may think we're internally homophobic. But we have had legitimate experiences -- in the same way gay people have," said Paulk in the June interview.
In order to bring some of these experiences to light, PlanetOut has conducted five interviews with people who have varying
perspectives on the "ex-gay" movement. Bob Davies is the
executive director of Exodus North America, a non-denominational Christian group that refers gay men, lesbians, and their
families to conversion therapy ministries across the country. John
Smid leads "Love in Action," one of the ministries affiliated with Exodus in Memphis, Tennessee. Ron Poindexter
spent the better part of a decade trying to become heterosexual, but now lives with his male partner of six years in Seattle.
Jallen Rix, who went to conversion therapy for over a year,
now works as an openly gay recording artist in San Francisco. And of course there's John Paulk who continues to maintain that he's still "ex-gay" despite the recent events.
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