Serving in the closet
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I joined the Marine Corps in 1993 as a way of proving myself. I was a closeted bisexual and was warring with my own feelings. I had the notion that I was less of a man for having love for other men, and this was my way to prove everyone -- including myself -- wrong.
I went through boot camp, which was absolute hell. I faced drill instructors who would constantly use homophobic remarks to put us down. Things like: "What are you looking at, recruit? You some kind of queer or something?" It was harsh, and I buried my feelings even deeper. I went directly into the infantry after boot. I spent my first year out of training with the grunts on the northern border of Saudi Arabia. The infantry has to be the least forgiving place for homosexuals. It was the worst threat to be called a fag. I seriously believe that, although any one of us would give our lives for one another, if one of my fellow marines had known I was bi, my life would have been in very real danger from my own brothers. So I kept quiet and kept my head down.
The only time I was forced to go against the others was on deployment in Norway. The Norwegian army allows openly gay couples in their military. (I am tempted to move.) Our unit was there on deployment for some cold weather exercises. We had some free time and had gone to a club that played a lot of techno and dance music. My fire-team and I were drinking beers when a couple of the Norwegian guards walked into the club in civilian clothes and started dancing together. Well, some of the guys decided to jump them once they got outside -- just because they were dancing together in public. The good news is that I outranked them all and was able to head this off without exposing myself. These guys were drunk and
ready to fight, and I would have made a convenient target had they suspected.
All of that said, let me make one thing clear: Joining the Marine Corps was the best decision I have ever made. Yes, it would have been much better had it not been necessary to hide who I was and worry for my safety among my friends. But I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. The things that the corps taught me will last with me forever: I can survive anything; there is nothing that cannot be done if you want it bad enough; and no one can ever tell me I am less of a man than they are. I now know who I am and am stronger for making the journey in the fashion that I did.
-- Claymore -- now head of a support group for victims of violence, including hate crimes. More information at http://www.angelfire.com/az/lostsolace/index.html
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