Inner peace: remembering Alexander Goodrum
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Jamison Green offers a man's POV on life in the trans lane. Opinion,
advice, and information from an internationally respected leader of the
FTM community.
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Recently I received a question from a medical doctor who is preparing a series of articles on gender. She wrote: "Your Gender Journey has been a series of steps: presumably, first 'cross-dressing,' then living the role, then hormones, then surgery. What point or step was the most significant in giving you 'inner peace'?" This question arrived just days after my friend and fellow FTM activist, Alexander John Goodrum, killed himself in his room in a psychiatric facility where he had checked himself in for observation, apparently suffering from depression.
In response to the doctor's question, I'm afraid I don't think the four steps of the "gender journey" that she outlined are always so clearly delineated or undertaken in the order she specified. I think one is much more likely to find male-to-female (MTF) people who have followed that trajectory, though I'm certain there are MTFs who would not fit the pattern either. But definitely most female-to-male (FTM) people have more variation in their individual trajectories than those "steps" imply.
As I tried to respond to the doctor, I kept thinking about Alexander's inner peace. How can it be possible for someone to kill himself while under observation? Were the attendants not looking because he was trans? Did they not care? Did they not know how to relate to his transness? Did they think his transness was the problem?
I kept drifting from thoughts of Alexander to the doctor's question: What "step" was most significant in giving me "inner peace"? What's wrong with those "steps"?
Right off the bat, the first "step" is problematic. It is difficult to identify cross-dressing in FTMs. Although I wore men's jeans, trousers, shirts and sweaters exclusively (except for a very few special occasions) after I left home for college at age 17 (in 1966), I would not say I felt confident enough to wear what would be clearly identified by others as a "menswear ensemble" until after I started taking hormones as part of a medically supervised sex reassignment program in 1988. Many women wear men's clothing without identifying as transgendered, transsexual or even lesbian or bisexual, so when can you tell that someone who might later become an FTM transperson is cross-dressing? I think individuals must define it themselves.
On the other hand, I think that I was "living the role" at every opportunity at a much earlier age, specifically age 4, which is my earliest memory. I had a clear sense of my gender identity as far back as I can remember, even though at times I tried to pretend I didn't.
In addition, not all FTMs start hormones before having surgery: There are many instances where occupational situations or safety concerns require that chest reconstruction (breast removal and shaping of the male chest) be done before hormones are administered and "living the role" can begin officially.
Further, it is a fairly small percentage of FTM-identified people (who are living full time as men) who have complete genital reconstruction (which is the mark of the "sex change" in popular understanding, because it equates with the removal of the penis and testes in an MTF). Is simply having one's gonads removed equivalent to "sex change surgery"? Some FTMs have hysterectomies long before they ever realize they are going to undergo sex reassignment, and gonad removal is not a required component of genital reconstruction for FTMs. So the question becomes, what is meant by surgery?
Of course it is possible to attain inner peace or a sense of completeness at any of these "steps." I've heard many FTMs comment that they don't care about surgery, they just want people to address them as Mr. or sir, and otherwise leave them alone.
Sometimes inner peace never comes, and that may be true for any number of reasons that have nothing to do with being transsexual.
It is very difficult to isolate one's experience as a transsexual person from one's life experience in general. And unfortunately, many people have tried to analyze and generalize about transsexual experience to the extent that they try to create patterns that we are all supposed to follow. This makes it difficult for people whose trajectories don't follow the prescribed path.
For example, early on (back in the 1970s) I understood transsexual people to be so unhappy that they were suicidal. I was not suicidal, therefore I must not be transsexual. I held off for another 10 years before seeking treatment, and I might have done numerous other things in that time had I transitioned earlier, though I do NOT regret the general sequence of events that has occurred. Nevertheless, now I know that line of reasoning is false. I would rather that people look at the struggle trans people have to engage with as simply an extra layer of complication in their lives as opposed to a specific set of obstacles with particular criteria, actions, goals or patterns.
It is easy, even tempting, to imagine that Alexander killed himself because life as a transperson was too painful to bear, but we cannot know his motivation. Alexander was a brilliant and dedicated warrior, a queer transman of color who thought, spoke and wrote clearly, whose political consciousness was raised and honed. Losing him is a blow to his family, his friends, his community in Tucson and to the larger community of transpeople all over the U.S. and Canada, especially his activist colleagues who also appreciated his wisdom, his humor, his leadership abilities and his collaborative spirit. I may be wrong, but I can't imagine that anyone kills himself out of anything other than painful despair. I am so sorry that Alexander found himself there and took his own life. But it may have been a rational decision on his part. He must have had his reasons, which I feel must be respected, too. We will never know for certain why he did it.
At what point did I, personally, find "inner peace" with respect to my "gender journey"? I think I have reached a number of stages of inner peace: When I found the courage to apply for SRS. Again when I felt my body changing with the effects of testosterone (that enabled me to feel balanced and whole for the first time in my life) after several weeks of administration (that is, not right away after the first injection). Again when I had my chest reconstruction. Again when it healed well enough that I felt I could take my shirt off in public. When I realized there was no more confusion on the part of other people as to whether I was male or female. When I had genital reconstruction and realized I could still have an orgasm. When I had sex for the first time in a male body. When I got my court order specifying my sex as male. When my reissued birth certificate arrived in the mail. When I saw my daughter give the graduation address at her middle school. When my daughter or son hugs me. When I asked Heidi, the woman I love and want to spend the rest of my life with, to marry me and she said yes. When her dogs, HannaH and Cody, lean on me in that special, affectionate way. And on and on. I can see that in the early part of my "gender journey" (abstracted for the doctor's logic) my sense of inner peace came from my connection with myself, and now it comes from my connection with others.
Alexander chose a different route. The world is a poorer place for it, but he did leave much richness in the time he was with us. For an informative obituary notice regarding Alexander John Goodrum, created by his friend Michael Woodward of the TGNetArizona advisory board, see http://www.true-spirit.org/basics/alexander.htm, and for a newspaper report on the fact that an investigation of Alexander's death will take place, see the Tucson Citizen at http://www.tucsoncitizen.com/local/10_7_02goodrum.html.
To help defray expenses associated with his death or to make a memorial donation to a cause close to Alexander's heart, see http://www.transcribes.org/alexander/services.htm.
Please show your appreciation for the people you love while they are still alive to receive it. We can never predict where or how anyone will find their inner peace.
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