Visible Man
Brand new on PlanetOut!
Jamison Green offers a man's POV on life in the trans lane. Opinion,
advice, and information from an internationally respected leader of the
FTM community.
Trans Love
February. Valentine's Day. Love. Relationships. One of transpeople's
most
daunting fears as they begin or proceed through a change of sex is: "Who
is
going to love me?" Often, but by no means always, relationships do not
survive a partner's transition. Sometimes that's about homophobia or
heterophobia, and sometimes it's just time for the relationship to end
anyway.
Often when one partner in a gay or lesbian relationship acknowledges
that he or
she is transsexual, the other partner thinks that's just fine, so long
as you
don't change your body too much. Some people are attracted to a
transperson's in-betweenness. I've heard of several situations in which
a
male partner liked his lover to appear as a woman because it made them
look
like a straight couple, yet when the trans partner decided she wanted to
remodel her body into a woman's (to remove her penis), the male partner
ended the relationship. He wants a man in a dress, a man who
looks and acts
so much like a woman that others don't recognize them as a gay couple.
And I've known of several lesbian relationships in which the butch's
masculinity within a female body seemed necessary for the femme to
validate
her lesbianism, just as it often seems having a femme woman on her arm
can be
crucial to a butch's self-esteem. So, while some people seem to require
it,
some people just can't deal with heteronormativity, regardless of who
the
person is inside the body. Either way, the message to the trans partner
is:
I love what you do for me, but I don't love you.
One amazing fact that escapes non-transpeople is that a very high
percentage
of transpeople are gay or lesbian post-transition. Many people assume
that
sex reassignment is an extreme form of "cure" for homosexuality, or that
transsexual people are simply homophobic queers that need to change
their sex
in order to have relationships with same-sex partners. But the
transgender
movement over the past decade has provided at least anecdotal evidence
that
over 40% of MTF transwomen identify as lesbian, and close to 30% of
transmen
identify as gay men (and lots of these men were hardcore dykes for many
years!). If you incorporate bisexual identity, the percentages only
expand.
This notion that sexual orientation can change is terrifying to many gay
activists. For years, they've built their case for gay civil rights on
the
concept that sexual orientation is fixed and natural, and along come
these
transpeople who change their sex and their sexual orientation --
there goes
their argument. But there's nothing to be afraid of with respect to
changing
orientation. Transpeople don't get to choose their sexual orientation
any
more than anyone else does, gay or straight. If anything, the fact that
sexual orientation can change for some transpeople is further proof that
human beings don't have conscious control in determining to whom they
are
attracted. It's further proof that we are all complex bio-organisms that
respond to forces beyond our understanding, including love and sexual
desire.
Individual transpeople, though, have a bit more to worry about on a
personal
level. They have every reason to wonder "Who is going to love me?" Some
FTMs who were attracted to women before transition find themselves
completely
attracted to male bodies once they start occupying one themselves. Some
become curious about sex with men if they've never had it before, and
may
consider themselves bisexual. Some, like myself, remain hopelessly
attracted
to women, though I acknowledge a distinct lack of fear about the concept
of
sex with another man. And some FTMs, who were with men prior to
transition,
and who expected or even hoped to become gay men, find that the
chemistry is
no longer there. These men often regard their new interest in women as a
mysterious accident, if not a disaster.
Love and attraction have a lot to do with chemistry. And hormonal
chemistry
has a lot to do with how we feel about others and ourselves. But it
doesn't
run the show. There are huge forces at work in each of us, physical,
emotional, hereditary, environmental. While there are often similarities
between our individual expressions of our experience, we are all unique
individuals, and no one has yet come up with a comprehensive way to
explain
the origins of any part of human experience, especially love.
Love is exquisite, torturous, joyous, painful, gratifying,
disappointing,
necessary. When it hits you, you become alive to all the possibility in
your
own soul. Transpeople have a huge amount of courage when it comes to
following through on their transitions. But just like everyone else, we
are
often fearful of being rejected by people to whom we're attracted. But
you
can't win the lottery if you don't buy a ticket. And you know not every
ticket is a winner. But trans or not, if you are lucky enough to fall in
love with someone who is in love with you, my advice is to ride the wave
as
long as you can. I hope it lasts for you forever, but even if it
doesn't, at
least you'll know you've had an impact on someone else's life, which
could be
a pretty important thing. So be careful out there... and try to have a
good
time, too.
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