What If Your Butch Went Femme?

Some of us lesbians have a distinct type: I know women who are attracted to femmes only and others who have the hots solely for butches.

For those of you who are firmly in the butch-loving camp, how would you feel if your butch started going femme?

I know what you are thinking—that would never happen!

Oh, but it does, girls. Just like a femme isn't necessarily always a femme, a butch isn't necessarily always a butch.

I remember running into a former co-worker a few years back and not recognizing her at first—turns out this long-haired hippie chick was the über-butch who worked in a cubicle on my floor. The transformation was unbelievable. She looked like a different person. Meanwhile, Ms. Madison, the butch lesbian who lived on the street I grew up on and is an old lady now, still wears her butch uniform of t-shirts, overalls and work boots after all of these years.

So, yes, while there are diehard butches who will maintain their crew cuts for life and die with their Dickies on, there are other butches who become less militant about maintaining the look and even go super femme.

Generally, it's not an overnight transformation from butch to femme, of course. But there are butch women who have slowly but surely gotten in touch with their feminine side over the course of several years.

This is what is going on in the case of a friend of a friend of mine. This woman has been with her beloved butch a long time, but her butch has femmed up in recent years, growing out the short 'do she had when they first met and even experimenting with makeup. The butch's partner is not thrilled about this to say the least.

I find this so interesting, and I can relate despite the fact that I am into girly girls—in fact, I have to admit that if my girlfriend cut her hair short and stopped wearing dresses, I wouldn't be physically attracted to her. As much as we'd all like to think we can look beyond a person's appearance and care only for who they are as a person, attraction just doesn't work that way.

Going back to the woman who has an issue with her butch getting more femme, can you understand why she'd have a problem with it? If your butch went femme, would you still be attracted to her?

And here's a question for all of you butch women: Like femmes, do you feel pressure to look a certain way to keep your partner happy?

Images courtesy Getty

Comments

[kris]

I thought this article was very interesting,let me explain.When I was in high school I was what you would call a stereotypical "butch".I had no female clothes at all,wore backwards baseball caps and even my voice was a little rougher than most girls.The comparisons to guys didn't stop there either,in all ways and forms(except one of course) I was in essence a dude.It wasn't until I was in my 20s that I started to experiment with make-up,and wear female clothes.That whole period relly stands out in my life because I learned so much about labels and how unnessesary they really are. Clothes don't make the person,and even in a skirt I still act,walk,talk,cuss and drink beer the same way I always have.I guees the one thing I learned is the most universal thing of all,I learned to except myself no matter what I'm wearing.

[ATLjoey]

I think this topic is really interesting from a males point of view. I'm a bottom to the max. That is to say that I prefer being penetrated and giving blow jobs to the other way around. As a part of my personal role as a bottom I am more feminine than masculine and am regularly identified by my friends as a total girl. This comes through in my fashion sense as well. I wear overly flamboyant clothing and prefer my partners to be slightly more masculine looking. That's not to say that I wouldn't date a gay man that dressed slightly more feminine.

With this said I am not able to dress nearly as femme as i would like. the majority of gay men (tranny's excluded) would no longer be attracted to me if i submitted to my more gender bending nature. its one thing to wear nail polish and lip gloss but another to show up for a date in a blouse.

I constantly feel pressured to tone back my clothing preference in order to remain attractive to guys.

[indie]

My butch has gotten pretty femme in the last couple of years and it doesn't matter one bit to me. Well, let me say she is femme only appearance wise. She felt it suited her better in her work environment, and I support her decision fully. She still is the same person on the inside. I do completely agree with the authors point of view on attraction however. Lucky for me I go either way in the lesbo world. I love em butch and I love em femme. If my girl started refusing to kill spiders and became a bottom,.. well that'd be a whole other story entirely!

[Ginger]

I've just begun seeing the world through who I feel are the eyes of a person who is finally arriving. I still look to the community of lesbians that are mainly online at this time. My life desires a network of women, smart enough to talk about their sexual identity as the focus of who they are and where they are going in this world. I am very into the thought that my sexual identity is my power because I want to impress the world. I've got a good head on my shoulders so can be careful and want to keep in mind the way I was raised. Just hoping that I can get in touch with women that will bring my ego into check. I think identity as a queer female is exciting and I am lavishing the ride so far.

[Jaqui]

For me the attraction lies beyond an outfit, whether their hair is done up or if they're wearing make up or not-it's in their demeanor. Typically I am attracted to girls who are on/more on the butch side. But I've had the complete hots for a few girls who appeared more femme yet acted more masculine-socially and intimately. If I was with someone who over time became more feminine internally as well as externally, I can't say I'd be feeling the same heat. That's just me ;)

[Brenda Rivera]

I do not feel pressured at all by my partner to look a certain way. Actually, she has been my inspiration as far as coming to terms or accepting who I truly am as a lesbian. I never had the courage to embrace my masculine side so to speak until I met my partner. I always experienced shame whenever I wore "butchy-stereotypical" attire, but she reassured me that I was merely being comfortable with my true self and accepting the fact that I was not just another androgynous individual. She appreciated my masculinity and allowed me to be me, a woman who is masculine, yet sensitive and loving!!!

[Jeri]

Well, at the risk of being judged, I may be a stereotype of the 80s. I was an extremely hard core butch for many years. Bald, dressed in men's clothing, was always in manly character...was a threatening presence for many men, and was even considered to be a man by many men. I passed in men's restrooms, was held in manly regard by male co-workers and friends, was practically worshipped by the femmes around me, have been shooed out of the ladies' spaces, even. No exaggeration. And let me tell you, for all the sex appeal I had, for all the demands by femmes who were supposed secretly hungry for men (in desiring me), I was completely out of my natural element. In 2001, I began a slow emotional and mental decline. I couldn't set aside the fact that women respected my character so well, and that it was SO convincing, that I couldn't get any female bonding. Women rejected the thing in me that caused me to want to be butch in the first place- the longing to belong to a group of women who knew that I was a strong person, BECAUSE I was vulnerable, and so...human.

5 years after leaving SF, I still struggle with coming out. I've rejected all the old friends who didn't reject me first, and have holed up as I have come to the realization that not only was I not a razor sharp butch, I wasn't even butch, and nor I was lesbian. I've been celibate for about 6 years now, and look for all intensive purposes like a regular stay at home mom. I have no kids, but there's not that many degrees of separation between me and extreme feminity. The biggest obstacle I have over this is knowing what it's like to be in the closet for the first time in my ENTIRE life. How sad. Is it depressing? My God it's depressing. How does any butch reckon with the shame? I don't know. Especially not after being so incredibly popular against my own will. Am I boasting? Am I using my real name? Of course not. I'm regretting out loud that there were so many demands on me that I accepted as a woman. The worst kind of misogyny I have ever come across is that by, and for women who can play the role of men so well.

If you're butch and are struggling with the same thing, I sure hope this helps you know you're not alone. We're out here.

[Drake]

Personaly, I can go either way with lesbians. I have dated more fem's in the past though, and one of my ex's was butch in personality but complete fem in style for the most part. But I am finally with my first real bonafid masculine partner. I have been with her for almost 2 years, and we are celebrating our one year hand-fasting in Oct. Now, she is actually an F-T-M (female-to-male) like me, but she did wear a dress to our ceremony. Which is fine with me.
I will admit that I was and have always been more attracted to butch/dykes/stone dykes/etc, and fell for Jr like all the others when I first met her. She is very masculine like me, but we do have our "fem emotional moments" which I have noticed that alot of my dyke friends can be really emotional, even more so than most of the femme lesbians.. and I have always pondered that, lol.
Here lately though, my partner has actually been going out of her way to wear mini-skirts and underwire pushup bras and makeup. It is a shock to me to see her done up, but honestly, I really do not care, because even when she is done up.. she can still kick most guys arses. :) She does dress up for herself to get in touch with the femme side (or gay man side, she calls it teasingly sometimes), and she says she does it for my entertainment as well (it has put an interesting twist into our bedroom play...).
But in short, I have always told my partner that I just want her to be happy with herself, and I will support her. I do admit that I like her masculine side, but I do enjoy her girly moments. She has honestly told me that I am the first to actually give her the confidence to be able to dress up like a girl, much less, to go out in public like that, too. I think I will always be butch, though. I can fem mentally, but just not style. I doubt I would make for an attractive woman, lol. -shrug-

[Sally]

Wow, that would be weird. I'm 30, have always been butch despite my parents dismay, I can't imagine ever being something else! Butch till I die. Can't help it. How I look is a direct reflection of my soul inside, that will always have butch energy, and no amount of clothes could ever cover that, so I wouldn't bother trying to "femme" up.

[Susan]

I'm dating a woman who is a soft butch. I love the silk joe boxers and being "taken" by her. But she is also a professional singer and will be onstage in some very fem things. I like this as well. I guess for me, its more about attitude then dress. I just like knowing someone is taking care of me. I do prefer my butch to be more dominant in most cases. I recognize that I need to take sometimes as well...but I love being the total femme

[Alisa]

As an ultra-femme who adores a muscular, masculine butch, I can only say that I would go crazy if my boifriend started to go femme. I left my husband for my current after finally realizing through many years of following societal dictates, I had no desire for maleness, but loved masculine traits, but in a woman.

[Jackie]

I haven't told anyone about my sexuality. I'm 31, married and have had an encounter with another woman. With that being said I feel as though I don't have a lot of insight to offer on this topic. However, I personally am very attracted to femme women. Unfortunately, I live in a very rural area and I don't think there are many bi-curious, bi-sexual or lesbian women in my town for me to meet.
If you live in a conservative, rural town I would really appreciate any tips or advice you may have in regards to meeting women.

[Shelley]

I have to say, sorry but I would so hate it if my butch starting wearing dresses.. I so love her in all ways but one of the ways is that she is a butch, I am very femme and love the butch/femme dance... nothing in this world like it. In the bedroom or out, I dont mind being a top once in awhile but love that she is proud of her butchness and its part of who she is inside and out.