Getting Out Of A Sexual Slump

Dear Gay Sexpert, Recently I have not been feeling my sexual self, which is odd, considering I am 18 and “should” have a very healthy libido. I haven't had sex in nearly 5 months nor have I had the urge; porn has lost its appeal now as well. Just a week ago I was in a position where I could have had sex, but it seemed like a chore & I just wasn't interested. I've never had any problems before and have always been quick to 'rise' to the occasion. I'm pretty sure that whatever is going on is psychological.

— Frustrated and Confused

Dear FAC, It’s hard to say exactly what you are experiencing since I have so little information to go on, but let me give you some general information about changes in libido. You are correct. The vast majority of waivers in libido are not physical problems but mental ones. However, sexuality is often the first thing to alert us to ailments going on in our body. Anything from a change in medication, to a fever — our body can feel it all over, sexual desire included. So with my clients, I always recommend a visit to the doctor for a general physical to be sure there isn’t anything going on in their body.

Another thing to keep in mind is that most everyone goes through seasons of low libido. Maybe there’s a death in the family, or there’s a stressful time at work. Maybe your desire for relational intimacy has gotten stronger than your appetite for sex for the time being. Sometimes, our libido is nowhere in sight for no reason at all. The important thing is to not define yourself, or fixate on that period of low sexual interest. Too many times, a person will have one bad sexual experience and then s/he starts to believe that every sexual experience will be that way. Accept it as part of the temporary landscape and your sex drive will most likely return.

Most people mentally limit the sexual pleasure. We believe so many cockamamy things about our sexuality, it’s a miracle this puritanical society didn’t die out long ago. We receive these messages everywhere, from our birth to the present — from the media, our family, our peers, the government, religion, and ourselves to mention a few. Most of these messages tell us “you are only a legitimate sexual being if... you buy this cologne, you follow these rules, you make this amount of money, you believe a certain way, you look a certain way, you behave a certain way, and on and on...” It might seem that a single message has little effect on your libido, but start adding them up, and just about everyone buckles at some point under this barrage of sexually obsessive negativity. Sadly, it is still very rare that a person can grow up with a positive self esteem, much less a positive sense of sexuality.

One thing that seems to help in my private practice is having my clients begin to identify some of these messages. For homework, they write out a list of what they have been told, and what they believe about sex. The list starts slowly, “Sex is dirty. Faggots go to hell, etc...” Then, as they begin to get the hang of it, a floodgate opens. They can write pages of all the crazy, mostly negative things, they believe about sex which usually limits pleasure and also limits the ability to make the responsible and enjoyable choices they want about sex.

Usually, once they see the list in black and white, it serves as a reminder to let go of these negative messages. Letting go — depending on the messages — can take some time and practice. I am of the belief that the more you raise sexual awareness about yourself (like this list) and the more you educate yourself about realistic sexuality, the more strength and freedom you have to make the wise choices you want regarding sexual pleasure.

Lastly, the best antidote I have found to counter all these overriding sex-negative mental messages (that might decrease our libido) is experiencing pleasure in the body. That’s what happens in orgasm, right? We generate the correct circumstances that enable our body to experience one of the most pleasurable highs it can muster. I had a professor in graduate school often say, in so many words, “Sexual satisfaction is simply a result of proper stimulation. Figuring out what that stimulation entails is the real challenge.” Further, since we are all different, it might take some experimenting to intimately understand your particular sexual tastes as they evolve over time. This is not the responsibility of your partner, although it is great when one can help out. Moreover, who’s going to tell your partner what you really want sexually except you? Your body is the only one you will ever get to responsibly enjoy, so get to know it.

Yes, the mind can create sexual pleasure all by itself, but it can also be the one thing distracting us the most. Besides, who wants to make sex an exclusively mental experience? Why not use all your senses to generate pleasure in your body — get a massage, take a bubble bath, exercise the body, make some noise, get out in nature, etc... Your body (not just your cock) is a trustworthy guide that tells you what feels good. Do what pleasures your body the most, and watch the energizing enjoyment follow.

At this point, often my clients say, “Yes, but.... Yes, but.... Yes, but...” with all the reasons in their arsenal as to why simple pleasure won’t work for them. I’ll bet you might be doing it, too. Yet, show me ten reasons why genuine pleasure in your body won’t point you in the direction of sexual enjoyment, and most likely, I’ll show you ten negative messages that keep you from enjoying your sexuality more fully.

So tell us in the below space what you do to generate sexual pleasure out of a dry spell?

(Photo: Getty Images)

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Dr. Jallen Rix holds a doctorate of education in sexology and specializes in maximizing sexual pleasure for singles and couples, "ex-gay" recovery, religious abuse and creative approaches to sex education. You can learn more about Dr. Rix at his website.

Comments

[Matt]

I find that sex drive is also very linked to diet and exercise. Proper nutrition and regular physical activity will help bring back the libido. In addition, some high quality vitamins (the good powdered capsule kind) often help with blood flow and circulatory issues, as well as general health.

Depression is another cause of low libido.

Finding someone you have true feelings for is the ultimate stimulant though.

[Vance]

It helps to know more of the situation that a person is in to discover what could be making a lack of sexual drive happen in your life. Lack of interest in the person you used to find sexually exhilarating and now don't have much of an interest in the 'chore', could be a sign that you feel taken for granted as well.

Deliberately putting something new in the experience to reinvent something that has become "blah... zay is there something else to do?" about.

Driving something into the sex driver's seat could be the idea of cooling things off as well, taking a break so that there's a new found appreciation for what has become 'oh, I've got that already.'

Seeing a cute doctor about the problem is a great idea.

[Rev John]

Sex is another one of those things that we are being taught to equate with living itself. The basic message is; if you got a wimpy weenie you have no life.

For myself, I finally got fed up with all of the messages; gotta have a healthy erection, go here, buy this, drive this, eat this brand, have this hair style.... Forget them. I have accepted only that I am who my maker, as I believe, made me to be. Trying to be someone else is an expensive, futile effort.

I do have to admit that putting aside decades of indoctrination was not often easy. Some of the old fears and doubts still creep in occasionally. The bottom line here is that I am now comfortable with myself.

What does this have to do with a low libido? Ignoring the ads and being yourself allows you to stop seeing sex as a requirement to a relationship. You can put sex where it belongs, as the "icing on the cake" after you discover whether or not someone you are looking at is compatible with you and your ideals.

[Chris]

I tried to blame my sexual "problems" on my partner. We separated after 8 years...and I learned...It was not him it was me. I was not comfortable with what we had. I felt limited and bored. Once we separated, I decided to try some new stuff. And I will tell you, I have a new arsenal and I have no problem enjoying sex now. I decided to try new things, explore new options and now I find I can enjoy almost whatever I do. I am empathetic, I like to please people. So, learning a few new things, I found I enjoy my sex life a lot more. I have no problem "getting aroused" now. No drugs needed. It is great. I just keep the mindset that "this time is going to be the best time". And you know what?, if it isn't I still learned something and enjoyed myself. It is what you make of it.

Now to the porn thing. I think we have become numb to visual images. I mean porn is everywhere, from commercials to free downloads on your favorite site. It is all good. Porn has it's place as long as you don't replace human companionship with a visual image on your screen.

I think the computer age has made many of us wo/men, non responsive, we expect instant satisfaction. Thank your deity that we haven't perfected Virtual Reality or none of us would be needed.

Enough of my rant..take it how you will, but in closing. Be true to yourself and the rest will come naturally.

[matt]

Or perhaps you are just changing. At different points in our development, sex is more or less important, falls on and off the radar. We want to make everything a pathology. I say just listen to what your body tells you. If you don't want to get off, that doesn't necessarily mean anything is "wrong." Sure, it might be diet, exercise, stress, time of year, time of day (ha!)....but there is definitely nothing fundamentally wrong with a fall in sexual desire.

[TheManWithAllTheAnswers]

OR you are just a totally normal guy who just doesn't have a high sex drive! The shrink wrote all these things about what diminish our sex drive, yet he didn't mention the other side. Which is we've become a completely HYPERSEXUAL society. Sex is everywhere, and according to what you read and see and hear all we should be doing anymore is fucking. Which is bullshit. Some people have a high sex drive, some have a low one. And having a low sex drive is TOTALLY OK, and anyone who tries to tell you otherwise is an ass, and is not the right person for you. Do what feels right for you. If you feel like getting banged every night you should do it. However if you rather sit at home and watch movies no one has the right to tell you that's wrong or weird!!!

[trent]

A lot of times people think they are "the Lone Ranger" with a slow episode of sex,.... it's a cumulative thing, and you do have to realize that as you go on, we mature in many ways, the same thing that aroused us early on in life,..which was nearly everything,.... may not be today the same thrill it was. In my case, I learned early on that it wasn't sex so much as intimacy I wanted, that after some successful and very satisfying partners which began in college,....yeah, we did the group, anon. and open-to-anything stuff,.... we were both young, athletic and had a sex drive of epic proportions... In short, I think we were lucky to survive the 1980'swithout major health repercussions.

It seems to me you reach a saturation point of "sex" and that it becomes either just a repetitious event, or you discover that the act is tied in with other feelings,..in my case, I think that tie-in is actually a serious relationship. Maybe I am just lucky, because I went through the profound self-retraining to negate my negative combining with gay sex, I left the idea of it being dirty, wrong and unnatural as remnants of familial and social brain-washing which we all went through,.... I think my having straight friends who were FAR less successful in relationships than myself lent me a huge advantage there, I think that typical heterosexual dating, relationships and even marriages are what has screwed up the entire value of marriage, to the extent that I would rather say that gay marriage needs, requires and should have a different means of operating rather than make it a civil or religious thing, it's personal, and no government, organization or state should have any right to either deny or be allowed to hold ratification rights over it. "Making it legal" is not, to me more important than making it personal and successful.

My question is, have you, as the author suggests, purged your sex-life from all those lost-baggage remnants from growing up, or have you considered that your needs are not just someone to hop on and hop off when you are done, maybe you are realizing that what you need is not a person or reason to "blow off steam" (and other things) Maybe what you want has changed, and you have achieved a state where your needs are for a companion to share the act with, and not "do it to." If you are, indeed, healthy, with no body-related technical issues, then maybe there is nothing wrong with your drive at all, just receiving a wake up call that hormone-central in changing course and steaming you towards a port of call you might not have actively sought, and that is finding intimacy that satisfies your need to share, to care, and not so much a "bang-buddy" for relief with no connection aside from the obvious intrusion on personal space and temporary manipulation on private parts.

[Jason Sayles]

I find it ironic that the article mentions societies pressures to "look a certain way" and the picture that accompanies the article is of a typical, hunky, white boy stereotype. it's sad that they have to use photographs like this to attract more readers to a serious article.

[oldkingtroll]

An 18 year old with a low libido....get thee to a doctor's office ASAP. Make sure it is someone you can trust and have a direct and open conversation with. 'nough said.

[Nathyn]

I personally don't think it's so bad if you're in a sexual slump. Sex isn't the most important thing, and if one's boyfriend gets upset if you just don't have the sexual appetite anymore then they can't really be worth it if they care about sex so much more than simply being with you.
Overall, having a sexual "slump" and taking a break can be relatively good for you, gives you a chance to see there's more to relationships and life then simply an orgasm.