Beginning The Coming Out Process

It is sometimes easy to forget that our community is diverse. We are comprised of individuals at different places in the coming out process. The coming out process is a remarkably individual thing and each of us will move through the experience in our own way. It is important to remember that each of us chooses the method of our coming out. For some people, this will be a relatively "easy" process while others will have a significant struggle.

An important tool is breaking through the isolation and shame of sexual orientation by sharing our personal story and listening to the stories of others. The public stories shared on the website as well as some of the emails I received highlight how important this is for many people. I'm moved by the amount of pain, fear, shame and guilt many people still struggle with in their process of coming out. I'm also moved by the courage expressed in the stories that can serve as inspiration to others.

While our stories are unique, it may be helpful for our individual growth by understanding the experiences of others. Hearing what worked or didn't work can be part of our growth and development. I think the responses highlight some of the things that helped. I encourage those who are earlier in the process to learn from you brothers and sisters.

Our coming out process is a repetitive process. Sadly, this means coming out is not a "finished product." When we meet someone new, or start a new job, or talk about what we did last weekend, we come out yet again. In each of the situations, we may go through quicker versions of the process. When I speak publicly, I often come out to the group. Almost every time, I have to go through process of identity comparison/tolerance. For me it occurs by wondering if the will they compare me to the stereotypes. I wonder if they are accepting enough, or will have to justify myself.

Coming out is only one piece of the puzzle. Implicit in the comments are references to many other topics. For any number of reasons, the coming out process is directly related to concerns such as guilt, shame, spirituality, risky-sex, and chemical use. Coming out will necessitate addressing these issues; and addressing these issues will also facilitate coming out.

What is the one thing you wish you knew in your coming out process?

Do you have a question about sex you would like Dr. Edwards to answer?  Send us an email.  We promise to keep your name confidential.

(Photo: Getty Images)

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Dr. Weston Edwards is a psychologist licensed by the Minnesota Board of Psychology. He specializes in individual, couple and group counseling and has specific experiences working with sexuality, spirituality, chemical dependency and mental-health issues. He is in private practice at the Sexual Health Institute Dr. Edwards is also on staff at the Pride Institute providing sexuality and chemical dependency treatment for the LGBT community. His first book “Living a Life I Love™: Healing sexual compulsivity, sexual addiction, sexual avoidance and other sexual concerns is now available. You can also reach him on Twitter at @wedwardsphd.

Comments

[Jim]

I am in the "coming out process" as discussed in one of the other articles on here. I have found in my own personal life that I keep it private and should it come up in conversation then I may or may not reveal it. I have two very high profile jobs and it could hurt others if I "came out" which I dont want to hurt others. I am masculine, staight acting and looking. I ask the question...what is the purpose of "out and proud"? I just dont find that it's for me...if another wants to be "out and proud" I think that is great. We all have a different way of being gay and living the life.

[chuck biederman]

hi,

i just recently came out and i have to say that it has taken alot of stress out of my life i come from a very close and tite knit family i am youngest of seven a couple of my siblings have not talked to me since my outing but u know if they except me that is cool and if not that is there loss . anyway my mother took it better than what i thought she said she will support me in all things in life no matter what they are she said u are my son and i love u and u need to live your life the way u want to not on how your family sees u to . i admit that i have been living a lie for about 18 years i was married and i have a 9 year old daughter but i never loved the women i was with i now have a boyfriend who i love very much and hope to be with him a very long time which we made vowels to each other hopefully he keeps his because i will mine.but like you say in the article you are always coming out everyday someone u know finds out and they ask a shit load of questions .

[gymcoach45]

There is more that needs to be done by all of us that have come out to make the process easier in the future and eliminate the "shame". HOLD HANDS in public.

This non-offensive action will accomplish several things. First, it will shock people. Most likely the same folks that vote for Propositions like H 8 in California. Second, holding hands will teach the children that it is ok to show affection to your best buddy and even been seen in love with him. Next, holding hands in public, will show who we really are right next door. We can " act as if" we already are married and have the right to exist NOW!

I encourage all gay couples, men especially, to hold each others hands. After years of discrinination it may be scarey at first. But you will find, as my partner Bill and I have found, most people don't care. We have been holding hands since the Nov. 2007 starting at the Strand in Manhattan Beach here In Los Angeles. We do bicep and tricep exercises while we walk, Squeeze and growl when we are angry, smile at passersby to get smiles back. Wave, salute and wink when need be. NEVER have we been threatened. Twice a youngster has said, "EWW" one was a black boy on a bicycle.

We honestly believe, In talking with other gay couples that we know but don't see that this simple step is the next "protest" we must have end our second class citizenship. GAY couples need to "come out" because in our two years of publically holding hands we have seen but a dozen other male couples holdong hands. Therefore, to me and the general public there are no gay couples so we don't need marriage. Change that. One of you has the balls to grab your partner's hand and make him hold yours. It took Bill 6 months before he started to take my hand first. Two years later we miss it when we walk seperate from each other.

[Ken]

I find myself feeling that I'm faceing coming out again. First time was coming out as homosexual and after many years of my family&freinds learning to accept me, it's now that I find myself to be bisexual so I am a little fearful of how some in the gay community will react, I have many friends who are gay who I worry will suddenly act as though I have become Ex-gay and that I will be shunned from the gay community which I "don't want", I'm not going straight, but I feel that I am attracted to male&female. I have heard some who regard bisexuals as flaky,untrustworthy,indecisive or just plain perverted,that said it feels just as mentaly stressful as it was coming out as gay when I was worrying about how straight people would react. Anyone who could give some insite on this would be appriciated. Thanks

[Russ]

The first time you come out to yourself. And then you start to test the waters. Some will turn out surprisingly good while others simply will not. Be prepared to move on. You've been gay in your head for so long you'll still be able to protect yourself. Find a Mentor, if possible. And remember ... usually, family already knew, never spoke of it and usually is in denial as you stand there and out yourself. It is all part of a bizarre human reaction.

Chances are if you live in a secular humanist and enlightened family ... it should go rather smoothly or smoother.

We all have been through this and I don't wish this part on anyone ... just please have some advocate on your side as you start your journey.