Do All Gay Men Cheat?

 "I met a guy online and we have "played" many times during his lunch break. He is partnered and I am single "in the closet". I have asked him whether he feels bad that he is cheating on his BF. He has mentioned that we do sex acts that his lover does not. I have barebacked him a few times and he doesn't seem to worry that I might give him HIV or an STD. Are all gay relationships like this?"

In short, this guy is playing you. He’s using you and his partner and is putting all of you at risk for HIV/STDs (but frankly, so are you). The lack of honesty in his relationship is a major concern for me.

The fact is, not all gay relationships are like the example you mention. Gay relationships cover the entire spectrum from monogamous partnered relationships to no-strings casual sex relationships. In between are negotiated rules, modified relationships and just about everything else.

What works for me as a healthy relationship includes at least these four values:

Generativity
This is the experience when any sexual behavior makes you feel alive and energized as part of the experience. Your personal identity (and your partner’s) is affirmed, created and even expanded. You can walk away from the experience with your head held high. Sexual behavior is sometimes referred to as “adult play” suggesting a sense of fun and playfulness.

Open and Honest
Healthy sexuality is above board, open, and honest. While you may not talk about the incident with everyone because of discretion, you could disclose the activity. The sexual behavior is consistent with your values.

Consent
Full consent and awareness are present. Consent implies that all partners are actively giving permission to engage in the behavior. Consent also implies respect for the partner’s boundaries and limits. If consent is removed (i.e., stop, no, I do not want to), the behavior must stop. Any person can remove consent at any time for any reason.

Responsibility
This value requires you to ultimately assert fully your sexual needs, likes and dislikes. It is up to you to affirm and do the necessary reflection for the protection and communication of your values.

I don’t think the situation you describe is open and honest as well as consensual for all involved. I challenge you to think about whether or not having sex with this guy is consistent with YOUR values. I named 4 values above, but you may have additional values that may guide your decision.

(Photo: Getty Images)

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Dr. Weston Edwards is a professionally trained and experienced psychologist licensed by the Minnesota Board of Psychology. He specializes in individual, couple and group counseling and has specific experiences working with sexuality, spirituality, chemical dependency and mental-health issues. He is in private practice at the Sexual Health Institute Dr. Edwards is also on staff at the Pride Institute providing sexuality and chemical dependency treatment for the LGBT community."

Comments

[Robert D. Meek.Jr]

Ex#1, 15 years, ended up non-monogamous BSDM, and left.

Ex#2, 3 months, said he loved me but was not IN love with me, and left.

Ex#3, wrote me a "Dear John" email, twice, one year apart each, to the month, both relationships with him lasted one month, also. "On" in October 01 and 02, and "off in November 01 and 02.

Ex#4, having communicated with me on-line in an HIV support group with NO romantic intentions for several months, even maybe a year or so, came to live with me, left after 2 weeks, returned 2 years later, stayed 11 months, but after 2 or 3 months it was living hell because he decided he was in love with a MARRIED gay Belgium man whom he MET in Canada and had an affair with AFTER moving in with me.

Ex #1, #3, and #4, each got SECOND chances.

That's FOUR relationships.

That's SEVEN rounds of it.

Solution: if it doesn't have whiskers, four legs, and a tail, it's not moving in with me!

And no, it's not that ALL GAY men cheat, or ALL MEN cheat.

It's that WE as a straight and bi and gay and transgender group of peoples in society, our society, is UNREALISTIC about what a relationship IS. We expect the "fairy tale" story we are told by Tinsel Town on the boob tube in real life, and it's not that way.

No matter how you slice it, no matter how hot he is, there comes a time where the mundane repetitive going on every 24 hours of life, work, eat, sleep, bills, car maintenance, etc., must be dealt with.

The question is do you deal with this reality as a unit, a pair, as responsible adults, or do you try to live in a delusional world of make-believe and wonder why everything is no longer "perfect" and throw out a GOOD person because surely the NEXT one will be better?

In a society with an average of 50% divorce rate for straights, one cannot say this society has a handle on relationships.

[Rev. Ray Neal]

Great definition of the values in a healthy relationship! Thank you for giving gay men a definitive description of the values needed for a healthy relationship which includes sexual expression!

[Gryph]

I don't believe the problem is about cheating. I think the problem is with convenience. The society of today has developed the "want it right now" philosophy. Too many people, regardless of sexuality, make decisions without considering the consequences.

[wallace]

personally, I would never date anyone who has a lover ! I just don't trust them. could be very dangerous, sex wise. If he's fooling around with me, then he's also fooling around with someone else. No, I don't think so !

[Jay]

Why do gay men cheat? That should have been the question. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 months now, I know for a fact that he hasn't cheated nor have I. That is a decision we made together. Please don't "lump" all gay men together, that's like saying all gay men are drag queens, it just isn't true.

I like the outlook: What works for you works for you. It wont work for everyone, otherwise, we'd all be wearing the same clothes, driving the same cars, living in the same style of houses. A relationship is no different. I have been cheated on by every ex that I have. NO second chances, once a cheater, always a cheater. There is no way I could be in an open relationship, just couldn't happen.

It saddens me that there isn't more monogamy in the gay culture. but, what works for you, works for you. what works for me, works for me. lets just leave it at that and NOT give excuses for legalizing cheating. It's still cheating.

Good luck to everyone and their relationships! and who thought IOWA wow, they're always pulling something to surprise us!!

[Mark]

no, not all gay men cheat and i know it to be true because i never once cheated on a partner and yes that means i never even jacked off with another guy. im 48 and have been in several long term relationships spanning 20 years.. truth is, id rather break it off than to do that to someone i claim i love. it's just what works for me.

[Dr. LOVEr]

First-You are in the closet so shame on you! With all the things going on in the country right now I have no respect for homo's like yourself! Second-Cheating is not a gay thing it's universal, just as many straight people cheat as gay people. Third-Not everyone cheats, and not everything is cheating (many couples nowadays have open minds about sleeping with people outside their relationship). Fourth-Ever notice how people who lie all the time always suspect everyone else is lying to them. That's the way it is with cheaters. My guess is you've cheated on people and thus suspect everyone else cheats. Best way to live your life is leading by example... so my advice to you is. Be a man and come out of the closet and don't cheat on anyone yourself!

[Edward]

Someone who can't be honest about their own life complaining about someone else being dishonest doesn't sit well with me. If you expect honesty in others you must start with yourself and that means owning who you are. Can gay men, or any man, be monogamous and faithful? Sure they can.

[Edward Leon]

I spent 11 years in a relationship, and when it was over I found out that my partner had been seeing someone else for the last 6 years. To ad insult to injury, he tested positive for HIV, which he in turn passed on to me (Thanks). NO gay men can not be faithful to one another, for any period of time. Even in so called "long term" relationships that I do know about, one or both have played around, and this might even be together. Since being single and now HIV positive, I have made the choice to not have sex, never to enter into a another relationship, but to focus on myself.

[Expatriot]

I can honestly say I am one of those super rare guys who is good looking, has morals, has not and would never sleep around, does not believe or engage in casual encounters or "playing", and I am only interested in committed relationships. So I am proof that at least one guy does not cheat and would never cheat. To those who do cheat knowing full well they are cheating, do us all a favor and just be honest and upfront about it, and don't bother us relationship-seeking guys because we don't want you.

[Joe]

Hmmmm it Depends on the Guy...and What you can Decipher as in cheating... as in so many men these days think open relationships is the only way you can be in a relationship these days, as long as both of you consent than its not cheating but doing something together such as going to a movie, or dinner..but I think the minute that starts and the minute the other spouse starts receiving phone calls from the 3rd wheel and your spouse says he needs to run an do an errand you've got that lingering thought..which no doubt , every relationship will always have.. no matter the stability or enjoyment you get from the other person.. no one guy is right for ever.. just right at that time!

[Kane10]

We as human beings gay or straight aren't naturally monogamous, its about choice. The stigma placed on us as a social group is what results in promiscuity. How can we ever expected to function as "normal" couples when society views us as dirty and abnormal. I choose to be monogamous with my partner, and I don't find anything wrong with people who have open relationships as long as there is a line of open, honest communication between two consenting adults who are we to judge?

[Jason P.]

YES, Gay relationships are FULL of cheating and lying. Mostly cheating. Open relationships, and the like.
I've never cheated on a partner. But been cheated on. I was with my ex 6 years and he ruined it all over 2 flings.

I learned to look at a mans past. Its a pretty clear indicator of his future. How did he treat his ex? does he talk bad about his ex?
how "flirty" is he?
there are PLENTY early warning signs.

Choose a man that is right for you. It isnt always the man you want!

That's my 2 cents.

XOXO

[chris]

I feel this is a matter for the individual to decide on what to do and what not to do. We are all grown and, trust me, we know what we are doing whether we admit or not. As long as there men out there willing to give a blow-job and have sex with another man, this is always gonna happen. Married, bi, closeted, etc. men know that there is always some man out there willing to provide sexual contact regardless of what or who is involved. And, with the same token, there are gay men out there that don't really care who in involved and who they sleep with. WAKE UP GUYS! IT WORKS BOTH WAYS! Untill the indivual changes there's always gonna be cheating!

[Matt]

I do not believe that all gay men cheat. As someone who has been cheated on I think that is is one of the lowest things that you can do to your partner. I have not nor will I ever cheat on a partner it is just so wrong to do that to someone that you confess your love too.

[splerk]

I know the emotional strain of being cheated on. So I would never cheat in a relationship & if you cheat on me, there is no second chance anymore.
LEADING SOMEONE ON is another form of cheating.
Keeping someone from someone else because you have to let your friends & family approve of you love life in order for you to be wishy washy mind screwing:is childish & insecure and you may damage a person's chance of a good future with someone else better for them that they deserve, because you caused mistrust issues for him with your own BS.
And then when you want to go further, I only have to find this out from your "Flying Monkey" friends of what I am doing wrong. When you should have told me to begin with as I am not a f@#kingmind reader.
Don't shout my name from across the Club when someone hotter & with at least half a brain pleases me with his interesting interest & tell everyone we are a couple when we never were.
Yah, that is right you fine ass recovering alcoholic Bartender, you had your day. Everyone has their Bartender stories, but I gave you the benefit of a doubt when I should have hear their warnings from your "Friends". I am not a, until your bitchy queen friends changed your attitude just in time for you to throw me under a bus.
Where are they now, Mr. Scott P. of Austin.
I don't need to "Rain" on your parade, OLD QUEEN, but I threw that bottle at you because you short changed me that $100 bill & decided to "Throw me OUT" to cover you ass.
A little FYI for those there to get the story straight.
Don't let the blond hair fool you, & get over yourselves.
I have been with better than a career bartender with a useless Degree & has nothing positive to say about anyone or anything(behind their back).
Yes, I fell for that falling in love crap & I just can't let someone in to feel the same way about.
Thanks for the mind f&^k, Scottie.
Now that everyone know the truth, pay backs are a bitch you bitch, huh?
Sorry everyone else, thanks for letting me went to move on.

[Sargon Bighorn]

It's not "cheating" if the terms of the "game" are not spelled out. Don't assume the terms of a relationship. Of course having said that, it becomes incumbent on Gay men to act like adults and (gasp) talk about the terms, rules, expectations, desires, needs, wants; there in lays the great challenge. SOME but NOT all Gay men are, to my way of thinking, socially illiterate. Growing up and maturing is the solution, but maturing means that when you hit 50 you can't act 20.

[TheLordofWales]

Wow! This is actually a GOOD article.
I was discussing the same issue from a different vantage point. I was talking to 1 monogamous girl, 1 virgin girl, 1 slutty chick (we love her the most) and a straight guy who's a confessed "ex-player."

The stage is set! :-)

They basically were all trying to say they were better because of their values.
I explained that this is elitism and creates more dissension and polarization than anything else.

I suggested that they accept themselves
A. As monogamous or promiscuous.
B. Realize they're human and subject to change.

Those with open minds tend to accept themselves and others as they are with no judgment about how their sex life will affect any other areas of their life.
Those with close minds tend to say "I'm MORAL." implying "You're a bad person."

I see morality as a cover for elitism in most cases. Obviously some people subscribe to certain virtues that create benefit in their lives ... but that's the exception. Finding true morality in people is extremely rare.
What is extraordinarily common is elitism.

I think these 4 values do a phenomenal job of stopping elitism dead in it's tracks.

[joe]

This is quite the intrigued article;
Monogamy is what many of us honest and intetrity driven men want. But it is so difficult to find. The str8 world cheats as much as the gay world, but still in todays society, the gay world is ridiculed for playing with others. I do not look for open relationships because using your mind and creativity helps the sexual side of a gay relationship. I am old fashioned and love courting, dating, holding hands, stealing a kiss when i can in public, and making love to only one man. Unfortunately some guys i've dated cant stay away from having other dicks. In the scheme of things, we are only hurting ourselves and society, so guys, use your head between your shoulders, instead of your testosterone driven tool between your legs, because the sexual desires will only get you in trouble.
I was raised to respect and cherish the one you are with and i have been dating someone for over a month, and i am going to spoil him, cherish him, and make our time fulfilled with laughter, enjoy nice quiet homeade dinners like i have done for him here in my home over candlights and wine, a movie, a hike, and intimate time behind close doors! It has been quite some time that i have been with someone who was of some value, and i will hold him and cherish him in highest esteem as we should all do to our dates/partners/lovers/spouses.
Thank you
Joe

[Jack]

It's unfair to say "all gay men cheat." But most do.

[Alash]

Honestly, I've never understood this kind of behaviors, is easy! you have a relationship and you respect it or not, if you're the kind of guy that always are looking around, the committed relationships are not for you, unfortunately gay men have different ideas about engagement, and people as me that always are looking for love, we have bad experiences and I feel angry, sad and sometimes fearful to start something new cuz' I cannot believe and hope that somebody be faithful...

[ktd]

My relationship is open. I think it goes both ways. Some couples are committed to a closed relationship and other are committed to and open one. We just don't hear so much about the committed couples. I know of many gay couples who don't cheat. I know one couple that even has a deal that if one cheats the relationship is off. And the partner who was cheated on gets everything. That's commitment.

[Tom John]

While a few gay guys genuinely practice monogamy, the evidence is overwhelming that most human males are programmed to be with as many appealing partners as possible. Rather than view nature's plan as a scandal, why not acknowledge one's own "programming" and embrace it? The truly important disciplines are honesty with one's partner and playing safely.

[Tommy]

Not ALL gay men cheat. I personally have never cheated on anyone I've been with. Although I've been cheated on plenty. Most of my guy friends are straight, so I can attest the problem of cheating, specifically when it comes to men, is not related to gay men.

That being said cheating is most often something far removed from sex. But for whatever the reason it does happen. For you I'd say distance yourself from the middle of it.

The unfortunate part you'll find for you is that since you are closeted you're more likely to be tagged as the other man, and more cheaters will be attracted to you. You are less dangerous because its unlikely it'll be as public. All I can say is hang in there.

[queerplanet]

Isn't it time we got past the paradigm of "cheating?"

That's so Reagan/ Bush era. One might think we cared what Christians/Muslims/Jews and other archaic religions think about how we form relationships.

In fact, we don't. So form as you like.

Be creative. Have fun. Use lots of colors.

[Darren H]

I am 28, been dating men for 13 years and had plenty of relationships. I have NEVER cheated on anyone and never will. And yes people tell me I am attractive. I have dated plenty of men and have never cheated.

[Dave]

Edward Leon writes: NO gay men can not be faithful to one another, for any period of time.

Wow. Here's your classic "this happened to me, so it is a stone-cold fact that this is how it is for everybody." You got a raw deal to be sure, and that's highly unfortunate, and sad. But sometime down the road, when you're not as close to it maybe and less f'ed in the head, you'll see how ridiculous a notion that is. Really? You were cheated on, so thus, the only possible conclusion is EVERYONE cheats?

I was with my ex for six years. Long term enough to voice my experience? Six years. I never cheated once. I was not cheated on once. And yes, I do know this as a fact. I don't *think* I know... I know. What eventually pulled us into different direction never had anything to do with cheating, and we're still close today. I am not the only one, either. Maybe I just have a good class of friends, but most (no, not all, I'm not naive) are monogamous and faithful to each other. Just because it happens to you, doesn't mean it happens to everyone. And if that IS true... let me know when you win the lottery, will you? I could use it...

[Josh C]

One of the problems here is that people are judging "all" relationships by their own. I've been in two long-term monogamous relationships and am positive that both my partner and I have been faithful to each other. Do I realize that cheating happens? Yes. Do I know there are people who practice "open relationships" or who "play with each other"? Yes I do. But I also realize there are others like me. Even if I'd only been in relationships where someone strayed, I wouldn't assume that was inevitable or part of every relationship. Blanket statements (pun intended) are ridiculous. Just as gay men come in all shapes, ages, sizes, roles, and flavors, so do relationships.

If you want monogamy, you CAN have it. And if you want something else, you can find that too.

[Tommy]

23 years and counting with my BF. Secret? simple....3 somes! We share a trick like we share a nice bottle of wine, or a good movie. Entertainment.

MEN are MEN. I dont feel fucking around is cheating.

You can only cheat with your heart. Not with you body.

[John]

The only men that cheat are the scum on the earth. Men who are real a true could never do that to anyone. Men like I could never hurt anyone in anyway such as that. Real people talk trough their problems. Take that into consideration.

[Eric]

I wrote out a long, very informative paragraph about this subject. I then deleted it, and decided to sum it up.

MEN ARE PIGS. THEY THINK WITH THEIR DICKS. Plain and simple. If they don't have you around to put it in, they'll find someone else.

The person that finds someone who doesn't cheat is very lucky indeed.

[Brian in PA]

I saw a guy regularly but infrequently for 6 years who was hard to get together with because he worked fulltime and went to school fulltime. He also lived with a roommate so his house was not his own, so I never bothered him to visit his house. He always seemed kind of private, with not a lot of social activity and seemed to like his space. So I was always happy when he could make the time to see me and I considered him a good friend over the years. I always asked him questions about his roommate and why he never dated or had sex with anyone else but me, but he always seemed to have an answer for that which made sense. I got feelings for him over time, which was bad because he was not really available, and later moved a couple thousand miles away.

I found out after he moved that the roommate was a relationship all along. I don't know if the roommate knew about me or not, but I also found out he was fooling around a lot with other people too. He even lied to me about the town he lived in locally. So here they were always partners and I have memories of this friend who never really existed as who he said he was.

He got really angry when I asked him why he did it and threatened me. Finally I told the partner, but the partner does not believe me. I just want to know why he did it, but he won't tell me, and now when I contact him he accuses me of stalking and lately he is threatening to blackmail me.

He justified it all because I was having sex online (I told him that because I felt guilty since he said he never had sex), and surely that I'd fooled with married men, which was true.

He is a teacher, he is always out there politically with gay rights issues. But no one knows who he really is.

That's my experience with cheating. I'll tell you I am having a really hard time dealing with anger and I have not touched a guy in almost 2 years. I have a really hard time with the idea of gay marriage because of this, and I know that they present themselves as a model couple. I don't see myself touching a guy again... I just can't do it.

Everyone thinks "it's only sex," but when you start lying about something that seems minor you then start justifying bigger and bigger lies and every lie looks just like the next.

I know there are all kinds of relationships, but who is getting hurt in the end.

[Justin]

Michael Shelton M.S. (masters social work who practices therapy) has a book out called 'Boy Crazy'

He said he has never encountered a gay male couple without cheating. Although he says he's positive there has to be some that don't, in general almost all gay men cheat.

Even his collegues do.

IT's TRUE. This does not make me afraid. I'd rather validate what we all know anyways.

The best part AND I SEE THIS AND NOTHING ELSE from gay men...is how almost everyone tries to deflect this or say this is not so.

How do you make a choice if you don't want to admit there is a problem.

I feel better knowing that most gay men cheat because I am now better informed to make expectations and plan a future.

I don't cheat and never have btw. Although I am 38 and have had only one realtionship. YEP...haha...he cheated. LOL.

It is a choice however.

I think if we would

[Pete]

hmm all I can say is that my partner and I have been together 8+ years, we are getting married next May, and then we are planning on adopting a child. There was more talk of us breaking up earlier in the relationship than now.

All I can say, is that if you want to be with the guy, you stay with him and don't cheat. At least for me, the larger the investment in my life and time makes the "mundane" part more and more worth it for me. All of life does not have to be about partying and the next trick. I love him, therefore I will stay with him, no matter what my balls say. Because I can control myself. Remember sex does not equal happiness only temporary physical gratification- and it always comes back. If someone is in a relationship that they don't find worth it should get out of it before they stop cheating, so that they don't selfishly hurt the individual they are currently dating.

[Joshua]

In a word: Yes.

It's that simple.

[Jack]

If there is a gay man out ther that dosent cheat i would love to meet him

[saltcay]

Do I play around? YES. Do I Cheat? NO. There is a difference. When I am not in a committed relationship, I will flirt, play, whatever. However, once in a committed relationship, I am with that person, period. Even when my ex was accusing me of cheating on him, I was not. He was simply a jealous insecure person, that had been cheated on before, so he kept comparing me to his ex. That is why we aren't together anymore. I am finally starting to get to the point of wanting a committed relationship again, and have just started dating someone on a regular basis. We haven't committed to each other, yet, but if and when I do, it will be a definite committment. Just don't accuse me of cheating just because I am talking to someone at a bar or club. I know who I am going home with that night.

[JohnJohn]

its not cheating if your partner knows you stray occasionally. guys are guys. the emotional, supportive, areas are more important than the physical. BUT, only after at least 5 years of monogamy and establishing a relationship ;-)

[markus]

well, i know that not all gay men cheat. I was in (what I thought was) a monogomous relationship w/ a guy. The thought never even crossed my mind to cheat on him. He, come to find out, never had a second thought about cheating on me. We recently reconnected and discussed the issues that were left unsettled when we parted ways and he was honest about it. It hurt to know, but at least the truth is out there now. I went and got tested and came up clean, thank god. There are a lot of crumby guys out there, but there are still some of us who are serial monogomists.

[james]

I was just recently cheated on, and stomped, treated like i was the wrong one! In reality you feel your not doing anything wrong. but your in for a rude awakening baby cuz your wrong! he is to also. your prob thinking in your mine if it isnt you it will be someone else, ya your right. but least you have enought morals to not step to that level as a doormat. there is men out there that dont cheat. the will love you wit all there heart but always remember, love is not hate, hurt, pain, love is something totally diffrent. dont be confused. and as i believe, dont leave the person you love, for the person you like. becuase the person you like will leave you for the person the love. peace

[Brian in PA]

You're all talking about how normal this is. So why then is it legitimate for gays to marry when they are only fake relationships anyway? Anyone who goes into a marriage with the expectation of cheating should not be entering a marriage. Heterosexuals at least make an attempt to be faithful and nowhere in the hetero world is cheating accepted as normal. So why should gay marriage be accepted as legitimate when gay couples do not take the institution seriously at all? That seems to be the logic that this whole string is leading to. Every time I see a smiling gay couple who just got married are we expected to wonder "... and who is 'his' special friend?"

I was victimized by one of these people who lied about his relationship for years, and both he and his partner treat me cruelly because I don't understand that this is "normal."

[mikey]

hmm, I have more trust in my little dog snoopy then a man.......who needs them!!

[wallace]

peraonally, I have never cheated. true ! my lovers always have though. I would say that I'm a 1 percent, if not less ! Alot of sluts out there ! why do you think the diseases are out there????????????? wake up call !

[Belial]

I would say: "It's not a rule but it's a reality"

[DM]

I've never cheated until we were breaking up or I found out the other person was cheating...

[Phillippe]

Not all gay men cheat but YES a Very Large majority do cheat,this also applies to straight men not just gay men.
I personally have never cheated on anyone I've been with. Although I've been cheated on plenty and I mean PLENTY

[edward chicago]

dont lie to people "all dogs/men cheat" if you think your man's not a cheat, it cause no one else wants him "or he'ed be doing it. ive been in a few long terms "like 10years"
& i can tell you men cheat "if they dont you have a prob..
& you not going to last long...

[edward chicago]

ps way too go .... barebacker "your single "he's the cheat
..ck him some more

[genesisofthephoenix]

I've found men in general are untrustworthy with monogomy. The vast majority don't really seem to understand the concept. I too have decided to stay single, there are only so many jerks you can deal with in your life. But not all gay men cheat, gay or straight most men just cheat anyway because they like the attention.

[Tallandstrongak]

I agree that not everyone cheats; but many do because they lack the ability to be fundamentally honest, to themselves or to others. gay men have a lot of crap to deal with but it doesn't give them the prerogative to lie or cheat. I know I value monogamy and have learned to internalize those qualities. I want and will work for a committed relationship and will keep my promises; If my heart changes I will tell my mate before any hanky panky out of simple decency and respect, everyone deserves that. PS Expatriot I like your values, love to talk sometime. T@S Ak