Operation Lesbian Eye Contact: "Eye Commit"

By Jenny Stewart, PlanetOut Editorial Director

Last week, I wrote an Op-ed piece titled, "Are Lesbians Afraid to Look at Each Other?" for PlanetOut.  I focused on the topic of lesbians who refuse to make eye contact with each other in public.

I wanted to know more, so I solicited your feedback:  Was I the only person who experienced or even noticed this?  Was this strictly a San Francisco phenomenon?  Or was this common among women in every city around the world?  Why are lesbians -- and even women in general -- not looking at each other?

To be honest, I was nervous of how this topic would be received.  I was concerned that lesbians would gang up on me on the message boards for even bringing up this topic in the first place. Ironically enough I have discovered through your comments that not only is this a shared experience, but also your many interesting and even provocative theories as to why this is happening.

While your opinions are somewhat varied, there is a clear consensus that no matter what the reason, something must be done about this if we are ever going to connect with one another, as friends, as colleagues or girlfriends.  So let's stop talking and start doing!

If you'd like to commit to smiling at the next woman you want to meet who crosses your path -- whether you're on the street, in a bar or at the next networking event -- then sign your name to the below Operation Eye Contact petition on the comments section below and make a pact to yourself and to each other to look and smile. 

Look, I'm not suggesting that you act desperate or obnoxious; this is just an invitation to make eye contact and maybe even crack a smile.  At least it's a start!

Click here to read the orginal article.

(Image courtesy of Getty)

Comments

[Jen]

Count me in! Is this where we sign or is there a separate petition? Cause I'm serious about this.."eye commit"!!

[Annie Thomas-Burke]

Thank you!!
I deal with this all the time,
probably more so in that my appearance
has never been very "butch" or obvious.
Think more soccer mom and you have my issue
with meeting other lesbians. Not to mention
we are from small town USA in north Georgia!

Lesbians here don't talk to each other,
look at each other or get together in any way.
One gay bar, or maybe two now, not my scene...
No book stores or any community activities.

I have wanted to ask this same question for years!
Bravo!

[Davi-May]

Fear, fear of being outed for those who are not free with themselves, or is it snobery? Who knows, I live in Vegas and the dykes that have positions of the casino floor will give you a hard look and if you return the look, they turn the other way, what gives? Who knows and phuque those who can't smile and acknowledge who we are. Dykes do rule!!!!

[Morgan]

Im signing..i agree 100% wth lastweeks article

[neeter]

I am not sure about "big cities" but in the south, sometimes it's hard to tell if the jean-wearing tough looking "butch" you are looking at is a dyke or just a tough ole' country girl buying paint at Home Depot. I guess my gay-dar needs re-calibrating!!!
(maybe that's why i can be a butch around here and not get too many dirty looks from straight bigots!)(central Mississippi)
smile!!!!

[CC]

I agree, fear of having the woman recoil and give me the, "what is she looking at??" look keeps me inline in the real world. I'm femme/lipstick and I've never met lesbian women outside the bars/online for friends or dating but I've passed a few women I would have loved to approach in the outside world without any saftey net of absolutely knowing they were lesbian but of course, fear held me back. I'm going to make a point to smile and maybe even say hi while holding my eyes to hers...but not in a creep way, in a friendly way!

[medmrl]

Living in Rehoboth Beach, DE., a gay beach community, I've always wondered why. I'll expect to see more eye contact out there on the boardwalk when I take my A.M. walk. Even the gay boys (the ones that are up at that hour) give that knowing nod.

[Alex]

I believe all of the above and because we are women. Most women are not good at showing their shelves to other women in public forums. We seem to have problems even when we are at an all women event such as dances, pride events etc.

[Diana LaTorre]

I would commit to this "Operation Eye Contact petition", I think it's a great idea. I always wonder what was wrong but couldn't really figure it out. It is so great when a smile is given; as great as it is received.
Thanks!

[LP]

thanks for the article.

[Donna]

Eye also commit....

[Cynthia]

I am so glad this topic has come up. In all my years, many in San Francisco, I have wondered just what was up. Was it me? Was I looking at other women the wrong way? What? It is so very frustrating trying to connect with other lesbian women on any level for friendship or relationship.

I've had better luck meeting others through a few friends and over the internet than I have in person. What does that say about us?

And yes . . . I resolve to continue looking other women in the eye and smiling . . . I dare everyone to do the same with a smile and make contact!

[Nehru]

I have always done it, sometimes women would smile back and sometimes they avoid the eye contact. I am never disrespectful...but I think folk are just uptight these days for many reasons...but it still will not stop me from being friendly and approachable...it was the way I was raised...

[Tracey]

Count me in...Eye Commit as well!!! Eye contact and smiles are few and far between here in Albuquerque! And thank you for writing the article!!! :)

[Kathy]

I'm 44 now, but I can still remember as a young teenage lesbian being so excited by gaydar and seeing other women like me everywhere. My brother used to freak out that I could pick us out of the crowd. I was trained to stop smiling, waving, and making eye contact by the responses I received. "Eye commit" to doing my part and truly believe that together we can all create the friendlier and more supportive community we all want to be a part of. Thanks for the great article!!

[Marie]

Yes! Eye Commit. Life's too short!

[Kelly]

I think ALL women - gay, straight or otherwise - need to get their eyes out of the curb and start engaging in more assertive social interactions. The discussion has focused primarily on the reasons for the aversion to addressing others directly but not the consequences. When you don't make eye contact with other people - in any situation - it SAYS something about you and it's never positive. I was taught as a kid to look people in the eye when I say 'hello.' Perhaps this simple courtesy has disappeared with the generation who also felt it important keep your elbows off the dinner table and say 'please' and 'thank you.'

[Janet]

Love the eye contact!

[Darla In Arizona]

I commented on this article last week and spoke with some friends who didn't really seem to notice such behaviors, but my friends and I are fairly assertive yet friendly women. I did decide to experiment with this issue last Saturday at a gay bar and sure enough there were many who did avoid eye contact with me. It got me thinking though about this behavior in straight bars and I think the same holds true there! I think that perhaps as a society we may have come to be less social with others based upon whatever fears we may have sitting inside of us. I am committed to smiling at other people gay or straight. I'm not going to worry that others may perceive me in a certain manner, that isn't my problem. Cheers to all of us who will make the effort and for those who struggle with this, it's okay, do what you can to express friendliness and warmth... I have the feeling we're going to need to do this sooner rather then later...

[cls]

I live in Vermont, where almost any dyke, can blend in very easily with the regular Vermont women, whether the rednecks, or the more city-type dwellers who are hikers/bicyclists/backpackers, etc. Even so, a finely tuned gaydar can usually score many hits! But the same has been true for all of my 16 years being out here, we don't look each other in the eye - at least not while the other is looking! Let's connect!
Eye commit to eye contact too!

[gina_and_robin_forever]

This is a great idea. Count me in. I will actually practice eye contact all weekend!

[Marsha]

I promise...but I made this promise to myself some time ago. I have always wondered why on earth I look away when another lesbian looks at me. I thought I was the only one!!! It's comforting to find out that I'm not.

I love that this is now part of the discussion. Kudos to Jenny Stewart for having the courage to bring it up. I can imagine full well her fears of repercussions.

So count me in. Like I said, I've already put this into practice, but I feel a whole new inspiration now. Thanks again, Jenny

[rockingtravy]

Not only will I commit to "Operation Eye Contact," I will also give updates on what kinds of responses I got when I looked and smiled. I agree this is wonderful and we do need to stop looking away. We aren't getting any younger, so let's start looking!

Count this girl in...

[Irene]

Thank you soooo very much for your eye opening article! I thought it was just Boston!!!!... at least I was hoping it was only Boston! But I have to say I am a pretty, femme, very out and currently single lesbian and I have spent entire weekends in Ptown behaving in a very friendly but not obnoxious way and have gone entire weekends without as much as another lesbian even making eye contact with me or showing even a glimmer of interest! While it is true that the Boston lesbian scene appears to be very poorly organized and difficult to access, I am not sure if I am relieved or further depressed to know that this seems to be a universal phenominon and not just unique to the Boston area. I will sign the petition and make a renewed effort, but I would be interested in being contacted by anyone who has even further reaching ideas on how we can open up the lesbian community in general outside of the bar scene. Keep the faith and thanks for the wakeup call!!!

[Karen]

I have no problem looking at others in the eye, except when it comes to the girl I have crushes on.
Cause I will blush
Lame-O LOL.

[Kris Ty Ann]

The eyes have it, so to speak! I've always looked folks in the eye, out of respect, or upbringing, as another noted, and feel it's the best way to connect with anybody, straight, gay, bi, who cares. We're all meant to share a smile. Count me in to pass it on.

[Jes]

Count me in, eye commit!

[G. L. McCarthy]

I live in Palm Springs and have always smiled at everyone (male/female) I have eye contact with. With that said, I have made a lot more male friends (gay/straight) than women. The women (gay/straight) may smile back, but I see the wheels spinning and wonder what they may be thinking that smile meant. I wear a gay pride braclet - always have. But only other gays know what it means and just because I smile at someone doesn't mean I want to ask them out. It's just a way of saying "Hey" with out having to say it. As lesbians we need to lighten up and not think that just because I'm smiling at you doesn't always mean I want to hook up. But if I do ask for your number you can say "No thank you". It's that easy.

[Robin]

I'm heartened by the number of respondees who ARE more outgoing, and want to meet eyes with, and smile at, other women, lesbians in particular! I agree with all the theories that have been espoused here and in the comments on the first article, and I'd like to add that a lifetime of being "on the outside" of mainstream society has probably made us a bit more shy and self-conscious about making contact with others in public...fear of more rejection? Fear that the other woman isn't actually a lesbian, and we'll offend her by showing what she might take to be romantic interest? I had never realized it before, but now that it's been brought to my attention, I can think of many instances where this has happened to me--I'll see someone who sets off my gaydar, look at her and smile, but she either won't look at me at all, or will glance at me very briefly and then look away. I'm an attractive redhead, and am not as obvious as I used to be now that my hair has grown out to shoulder-length again, but still... Anyhow, I'll henceforth be making a greater effort to look and smile at all the dykes, or even possible dykes, whose paths I cross! :D

[dianeWest_east]

I'm in! This is so incredibly true and thank god it surfaced. I thought it was me!

[val]

ME TOO! count me in...I'm in the northeast and YES woman here also have a probably looking you in the eye. I think woman are afraid you'll perceive them as trying to hit on you, or dykes being around dykes maybe an intimidating factor...who knows, but it does happen
and i for one, won't let it happen anymore...besides how are we gonna connect AND go on dates with each other if we slither against the wall and look away every time a lesbian comes toward you?

[Mary in Long Beach]

So grateful that the article was written! This opens up many areas of discussion. Women have for centuries been told that our sexuality is bad and need be supressed and only since the 70's-in Western society- have we been more accepted as sexual beings. Then you have a "taboo" sexuality (as perceived by the mass culture) and again women must put more effort into being accepted, and accepting ourselves. It makes sense to me, sadly, why women avert their eyes. And in certain cultures it is disrespectful to make eye contact. Some women have internalized homophobia, some I think are simply shy. And I think that many women, LGBTQ or straight, equate eye contact with sexual predation. Sometimes it is, but often, speaking for myself and friends, it is simply to connect with another lesbian. And as for shyness, I have overcome extreme shyness, and am still a little shy; but I always make the effort to make eye contact and connect with another human being...life is just too short. So, count me in for the "Operation Eye Contact petition!"

[Miranda]

I am so happy that this is out in the open. For a long time I thought that there was something wrong with me. Only later did I find out that this is a universal experience.

Eye commit to changing that!

[Wendy Castillo]

Eye commit as well. I don't have the fortunes of obtaining that world famous "gaydar" myself and I could definitely use some help. I live in the Midwest with little chance of getting out to the big cities and so being in a small boondock town, the women seem to be "out" secretly. So secretly that I don't even catch a single covert glance. Not just to myself but also from one woman to another.I can't go by what the people wear because everyone here is jeans and t-shirts. It would be soooo nice if everyone wasn't so afraid to look at each other. Acknowledge each other. Maybe than many of us wouldn't feel so alone. We would know that there are other women out there like us, and closer than we might have thought. Not just the lesbian community but all communities.

[linda_princeton]

thank freaking god someone spoke up about this. I think lesbians are terrified of eye contact, and I also think it's been this horrible cycle of learned behavior. So many women in bars have avoided eye contact with me all these years that I honestly thought I was some kind of loser for actually wanting to smile at people. and i'm not ugly and I have no problem meeting women -- that's not the point. the point is that lesbians have a definite aversion to looking at each other and for whatever reason, it has to stop now.

Yes Jenny Stewart, I commit to start now and thank you (seriously) for talking about this.

[greeneyes]

Eye commit....
and i promise to throw in a sexy wink when someone meets my eyes.... ;-P

[Darla Harrison]

I only look into the woman's eyes if I am totally interested in her! Also, being a native american, it is considered disrespectful to look someone in the eyes. It is with total respect that I look someone in the eye because I want them to know that I am real and honest. Averting eyes make me suspicious of them.

[Stephanie]

Thank you, thank you, thank you for bringing this strange behavior out in the open. It is something I had noticed too but thought maybe it was just me being paranoid. I pledge to continue to try and make eye contact and smiles are always offered.

[belledame222]

You know, it's really true. I think some of it is women conditioned not to look directly, period; some it is fear of the "I made a mistake and straight woman will recoil;" and some of it is, if you're femme, they think "what is that straight woman looking at ffs?"

but probably most of it is the basic female training thing, since we share the other two with gay men and, as you say, they don't seem to have the same issue.

argh.

[Styg]

Count me in. . . I don't think it's just lesbians. I think a lot of people have a hard time making eye contact with fellow/sister humans in general. But an undue amount of us do seem to be uncomfortable with our sexuality. And I think that's the issue. It's hard to say, "I am! Yes, I am a lesbian!" Come on gals. . . all together now! I am OK and I am a lesbian! See, that wasn't so bad. Now look someone in the eye and buy her a drink. . .

[courtney-lesbian of palmer]

i may nawt b able 2 go 2 gay bars or clubs yet but i definately no that my bi frends n i nvr make eye contact wen we tlk...wherez the petition??

[LAinNY08]

This is totally cool and you can count on me to spread the word on this. It's embarrassing how much we have avoided each other. Thank you Jenny, and I think its funny too that you said you were afraid lesbians would gang up on you on the message boards. The sad fact is, I too am so surprised that everyone's being so happy about this because i've seen so many topics that are raised get attacked by readers. Be proud -- you started a movement!

[Queness]

I have always made eye contact with people see in out in the world. There's a "lesbian smile" that we do when we see each other on the street, an "I know, you know" sort of smile that I cherish. I got one this afternoon. I will certainly continue to exchange glances with women I meet.

[dudina]

I thought I had a seriiouse problem but I can see that it not happening only to me. I will try to do my best on it from now on, even though it is very difficult here in Malta due to the fact that it is a very small island!! Thanks for this article ;-)

[dudina]

I thought I had a seriiouse problem but I can see that it not happening only to me. I will try to do my best on it from now on, even though it is very difficult here in Malta due to the fact that it is a very small island!! Thanks for this article ;-)

[Benae]

Girl Power! Wimmen Power! Whatever we call ourselves Power! I am not going to try to sleep with you, take your girlfriend away, make you help me re-grout my bathrooom, stalk you or tell you how to dress. Just acknowledge me and let's be friends. Or not. But let's get the elephant out of the room! Create a secret handshake, secret sign -- something!

[Ronda Stone]

I was amazed when you wrote this article, because I have brought this up to my lesbian friends - asking WHY???? Twelve years ago I came from the heterosexual world. When I walked into the GLBT world I kept asking myself and everyone why lesbians ignore each other. I was so excited at spotting one and wanting to connect with even a look or a nod. but NOOOOO - ignore ignore. I just don't understand it.

[Ronda Stone]

I was amazed when you wrote this article, because I have brought this up to my lesbian friends - asking WHY???? Twelve years ago I came from the heterosexual world. When I walked into the GLBT world I kept asking myself and everyone why lesbians ignore each other. I was so excited at spotting one and wanting to connect with even a look or a nod. but NOOOOO - ignore ignore. I just don't understand it.

[pam akemon]

Sign me up. My eyes are open!

[marjorie pomponio]

count me in!!!!