Hello Bully. Remember Me?

No one likes to get pushed around, but unless you can kick someone in the nuts and run real fast (or get on a fast-track to a black belt in karate), most kids don't have the strength or support to do something about it. If you go to a teacher or a parent, the bullying may get worse (at least you think it will) and therefore remain silent taking this other kid's crap.

Bullies are a mean lot and now that we're adults, we know they're usually picking on someone smaller or weaker to make up for some insecurity or lack of love or affection in their personal lives.

Were you picked on as a kid? Did it affect your ability to make friends or do things you wanted, like have hobbies or play sports? I don't know if things have gotten worse or if adults don't take as much of an interest (or maybe I just know more now than I did when I was a kid), but it seems like bullying—especially when it comes to perceived gay youth—has moved to a higher level. Young kids, are killing themselves as a way to escape everyday pain surrounding them. And it's not just gay kids who get bullied. We hear about stories in the news all the time about girls brutally beating other girls; young boys being lit on fire. But bullying doesn't have to be physical. Words can be just as bad—and if you think only sticks and stones can break your bones, but names can never hurt, you have another thing coming.

My name was often mispronounced by teachers as "airy," and because I was a nice kid who wasn't into sports and had both girls and boys as friends, I got called "airy fairy." It bugged me but not that much because I was generally well-liked. I was never beat up or really picked on. The name calling wasn't constant, but obviously it made an impact if I still think about it now 30 years later. I don't brood over it, but it's in my memory bank. But so many other kids get called names and picked on over and over until they get pushed to a breaking point. Hopefully they can move beyond it before something really bad happens, but sometimes people get pushed too far.

Now that you're an adult, what would you do if you came face to face with your childhood bully? What, if anything, would you say or do to them? Would you be strong or would you revert to that scared little kid? Sometimes, it's better to face our demons so we can move past the pain, even if we think it's not affecting us now.

(Image courtesy of Getty)

Comments

[Brian M]

Since moving back to my home town I've had the opportunity to run into those who bullied me. They don't have a clue as to who I am or how much that bullying still affects me to this day. They are the reason I have avoided going to my reunions, school was not enjoyable for me, doubt the reunions would be either. The sad thing is they are having children. Listening to my niece and nephew who are the same age as their kids, the apples aren't falling far from the trees.

[Dan K]

I was bullied by kids my age (I rarely considered them "peers") and gym teachers in the 70s and early 80s. 1st, 2nd, and 3rd grade were so magical for me, and I had the world on a string. But from 4th grade onward, I was picked on, called names, had my hair pulled, chosen last in sports --every--single--time-- and although I knew everyone and everyone knew me, I had very few friends and could not wait for that nightmare to be over.

I had a female 4th grade teacher take me aside once and chastise me for letting a girl chase me down and hit me. I had a gym teacher in high school who got off on watching me get pummeled in sadistic ball games he would make up.

I found refuge in music and photography, starring in the school musicals and basically photographing for the yearbook everyone else having a great high school experience. Given a slightly different set of circumstances at home, I could easily have seen myself as one of those kids who gets pushed too far and shoots up his school.

But...I didn't. I survived it, and today I have a full life, I'm a success on many levels, and, except for the adults who should have known better, I've pretty much forgiven those who made my life hell. If I were to run into them today, I'd know that it's not really important what happened back then. At this point in my life, I try to look forward.

Yes, those years were painful, and you couldn't pay me to relive them. And it took a lot of time (and therapy!) to understand how those situations affected my relationships today. But I know now that my best days are ahead of me, and that's powerful.

On the season finale of "Ugly Betty," Betty's ostensibly gay nephew has a moment with openly-gay Mark, and Mark tells the kid, "I had a hard time in school, but I made it." I cried when I saw that scene. Being a mentor or a role model to gay kids is the next step. Making sure they know they're okay and they have a future that's bright--that's the best response I can give to the experiences I had as a kid.

[FrankP]

Well said, Dan. I think most of us grow up and understand the reasons behind bullying. I was never truly bullied, per se, but there were a few bullies who attempted to pick on me. For whatever reason, I never let it phase me as a kid. I can look back on it now and mostly laugh, but the best thing I can do is to be a success and raise my kids to try and Love and understand those around them.

Being successful is the best form of payback, especially when you walk into one of those reunions and people say "damn, who is that?" and are all standing around trying to pal up to you as an adult.

[Howard]

I was lucky enough that I was only bullied in the 4th grade and was able to one day after school beat the crap out of him. Funny thing is 40+ years later we are still friends and meet for dinner once a month or so with his boyfriend who thinks it's funny that a wiry little kid like me beat the crap out of the schools big bad bully.
I look back and I'm not proud of it but it sure changed the rest of the 4th grade school year for me.

[Fox]

Being much bigger than the other kids my age, the couple of times I finally stood up for myself I got in a lot of trouble because I was seen as the instigator, because I won. Then I realized I had to be even stronger to keep from just snapping and permanently disabling them. They had sheer numbers on their side, so no single one really deserved the full force of retaliation. If I saw them today after the years of being pelted with everything from rocks to pens, being pantsed, hair pulled, sexually assaulted and so on, I'd like to simply haul off and punch each of them in the face. Just once, since none of them ever showed up when challenged to a real fight after school. Unfortunately these are the kinds of people that would run to a lawyer and whine and sue, instead of standing up and admitting they deserved it. Unlike a lot of stories here they all remember me, and I think now, deep down they must fear me, and must have all along despite my efforts to be helpful and a people pleaser. Karma is on my side though, I've seen it in action and like many here, I think a life well lived really is the best revenge

[Joe]

I was bullied in High School - verbally and to a lesser degree, physically.

After High School ran a successful business. I did get a Black Belt (3 of them actually) and intended to kick some butt if I ever ran in to those who bullied me so much. When I finally met one of them some 30 years later, he was a shriveled old man in a dead-end job. Pathetic. It wouldn't have been worth it.

It's just too bad because our High School years are when we are most vulnerable to that kind of abuse.

[I know who I am]

I was bullied very badly in high school. I was a straight A student and had loved school all my life then I went to high school where a group of girls who were only there because the truant officers would haul their asses in to school everyday made my life hell. The worst thing was that I believed all the bullshit I had been taught about bullies i.e. that if you ignore them they will go away, that if you don't let them know how much they are bothering you they will get bored and pick on someone else etc. These girls did not go away. They physically attacked me many times for which I would get suspended because I defended myself. When my parents came to school to complain that these girls who were already failing all their classes and who would undoubtly drop out were ruining my perfect academic record by getting me suspended the principal told my parents that I would have to just passively get my ass kicked if I did not want to be suspended. These girls actually jumped a curb with their car to drive on the sidewalk in an attempt to run me down! I dreaded every single day and often thought about suicide. Now as a mother I taught my kids that bullies are ego maniacs that understand nothing other than brute force. I taught my boys to fight back fast and hard! And above all else never be a bully yourself and always stand up for those being bullied. Parents should teach their kids not to be bullies but when parents fail, kids can ban together to let the bullies know that they will not be tolerated. I am happy that all my boys have turned out well. They are strong but gentle and I am proud that although they are all straight they proudly volunteer at gay pride and have always actively promoted tolerence and rejected bullying within their peer group.

[Revrant]

I was bullied to the point of being put in inpatient care at a mental health facility, both by my former stepfather, mentally, and by bullies at school, physically and mentally.

There's a point where you just walk out the door in your underwear and calmly step into five lanes of mid day traffic, wanting the worst, and that was my breaking point.

I won't detail all of what occurred to me, but one example was a bully spitting on me, mostly snot, and then in the cold of winter managing to stick my tongue to a pole.

Of course I didn't know about warm water, and the supervisors were no help, so I tore away, leaving me oozing saliva and unable to taste anything substantial for a few weeks.

One time, during a blizzard which the staff allowed the students out into, I was being beaten viciously by a pack of bullies and was saved by a group of girls who would, get this, grow up to be lesbians.

I know, how about that?

The horrible trauma of bullying warped my personality in ways I can't begin to define, for instance I often become defensive and feel persecuted when multiple people disagree harshly with me or resort to some type of verbal attack, that's from bullying.

That all ended when I grew, I got my broad shoulders, my sturdy frame, stretched to 6'2", and I could quite literally lift a bully one handed, and flatten one well over my size. The moment when I lifted one by the throat, one handed, against the bathroom wall to the shock and awe of his friends and other students, he was out for a week.

The turning point occurred then, and every bully gave me a wide space to walk down the hall, I even befriended a little nerdy boy, Roy, who was also a constant target of bullying, when we became friends, that ended.

Your question is one that I can answer, because it happened, my childhood bully and his friend, well, I met them in high school, and I intimidated him to the point that he sat in the back of the bus.

I saw his friend just last week, and he "gave me a wide berth" to quote the idiom, truth be told no one even tries to bully me anymore, and I find it's easy to intimidate people away from the idea.

Sadly many who were bullied didn't grow into moose like me, and are still suffering, but are suffering psychologically at the hands of former bully managers that rose in rank with their frat boy anti-charisma, the sense that they are deserving of everything they want; it doesn't end for them.

[Jeff]

I had a different scenario growing up. Elementary school was a nightmare. High school wasn't all that bad, but when I went to N.Y.C., still as a teenager, to pursue a professional ballet career it was a different story. A lot of competition, a lot of bullying. In my opinion, Mikhail Baryshnikov and his friends thought they were getting over on me, by making sure I didn't get a job in the U.S. with the major companies in New York. But, he actually did me a favor. He saved my life. Because of him, I didn't ever catch H.I.V. I was spared the plague and I have lived a long and healthy life so far, knock on wood. I guess the point is what a couple of other posters have said here. Living well, and healthy, is the best revenge. And trust me, being a star or with the "in" crowd is not worth dying for. That should be one lesson that gay men take with them when they come out and start to socialize. Don't throw away the hard earned independence you earned coming out on a bunch of gay men who form cliques, and are a bunch of hot messes to begin with. Don't become the bully you once hated.

[Stuck in So Pa]

Boy, does this topic EVER open up an old wound.
I was always shy, light weight, snail-like reflexes, lousy at sports, and picked on from elementary up thru senior year high. It was not until I went to college, where no one knew me, that I finally came in to my own. I graduated HS in 1966, and to this day I have never gone back to a reunion. I even dropped my alumni membership after a few years. The hurtful memories convinced me that it was a waste. As the saying goes "You can't go home again," even if you become super successful you will still be that same geeky nerd (if only in your own mind)once you enter the reunion hall.

Interestingly enough though, some of my worst bullies are now dead. Seems I managed to out live them.
Fate deals strange hands sometimes.

[Alan H]

I came from a very small town and most of the bullies from my elementary and high school days still live there, and many have spouses and/or children. Almost none of them went to college or even vocational school after high school. Most of them know that I am out and probably do not care either way...at least not enough to do anything about it. However, one of the bullies from my elementary school tracked me down on myspace; in an email, he apologized for having been such a stupid kid, congratulated me on being who I was and on knowing who I was, and then told me about his life after elementary school. He had become a DJ in the New Orleans area and had gained many gay friends from the club scene. His regret over his treatment of me made him feel so guilty that he tracked me down. It was really empowering to have someone do that...and established in me a strong notion that some people can indeed change...something that I had not believed for a very long time. So, to that bully, I say thank you. And to the others, I would say that I hope that they are as happy in their lives as I am in mine.

[GunshyMartyr]

Did anyone really have a bully? What about having sex with him?

[Laun]

I don't put up with any bullies.

[Cant wait]

I can't wait to make enough money to track down each and everyone of them and elminate them, if you know what I mean.

[Cant wait]

I do remember when I was about 8 years old, there was the biggest bully at school making fun of a little drawing I was making with a pencil. My mind went blanck, a few seconds later I saw the pencil stuck in his forhead right next to his eye. I felt not a drop of remorse.

[DOG]

I was bullied from the first grade right through graduation. I could not wait for school to end so that I could get away from that hell. I too was chastised because I let a girl knock me down and hit me. I was raised not to hit girls. So my next negative encounter with this bully, I hit her back and was in trouble for hitting a girl (you don't do that!). I got in trouble for hitting another tormentor back. "You don't punch boys with glasses," I was told. Yet he did not get in trouble. When I ended up getting glasses in high school, the others continued to hit me without ever getting in trouble. I was threatened with suspension the first time I defended myself once I had glasses. The two bullies who attacked me were let off without even a warning. I basically learned to duck and run and earned the nickname 'Sissy' because of that.

If I were to encounter any of these idiots today, I am not sure what I would do. I might be tempted to laugh at them. Now that I have an adult perspective on things, I know what they were attempting to do and it only made them lesser people as a result.

[way2ec]

I think we all need to define our terms in this "arena" (pun intended)... where does "freshman initiation", harassment, bullying, and abuse begin and end? I still suffer PTSD's. I survived due to the love and support of one woman in my small town. I have learned most from rape survivors, and am proud that I never allowed myself to become their "victim", I was only the object of their attacks. The healing comes from the celebration of our being survivors. I hope this article will lead to other forums where we can celebrate all the various ways we learned to be survivors, from the big guys who stopped the cycle with one hand, to those who chose to be as invisible as they could be (and to emerge later in life), and to the fiesty verbally aggressive types who KNEW they would probably incite even more crap by not keeping their mouths shut, who complained loudly in front of any and all adults even though it seldom made any difference, and when physically attacked, bit, chewed, clawed, ripped, kicked and tore my way free, and learned that my instincts that were then ridiculed as fighting like a girl where to be labelled later as the instincts of a street fighter. As my BIG, black, and proud lover said years later, there wasn't a nelly bone in my body.

[DRock]

I grew up in a small community, and I was a straight A student. I always ruined the curve for everyone else, which, made me a prime target for bullying. I grew up being called all kinds of names, but once I got to high school, I actually became friends with people that grew up tormenting me. To be a small community, we had a rather progressive mind-set. Which I carry to me this day. I have managed to open up my very conservative parents' minds, as well.

Now to answer the question about sexual relations with any of my bullies...I actually did! The first guy that I ever received a manual job from was one of bigger bullies growing up. It was once we graduated high school, of course. But I grew up with never masturbating. After that, I did it quite often. It is part of the reason why I am a firm believer that homophobia is internalized self-loathing. I even had it myself in my adolescence. I never once thought growing up that I would ever be gay, even though all the signs were there!

But all that bullying does take it's toll. To this day, I have trouble trusting people. And I feel very self-conscious trying anything new in front of people. We all have baggage, but at least I am realizing what color mine is now!

[Josh Hartnett]

I thought I had the greatest childhood till 6th grade or so, then it all started slowly.. trickling in.. I was part of a group of male friends and we had a game to see the order of preference of friendship for each of us and I ended up last on all four of them. I didn't realize then that as kids you just go by your natural instinct and say what you feel, and they were all the straight guys who like the typical "guy" friend. I naturally did not fit the best GUY friend category. Since we are not logical enough as kids, I took it in negatively and for granted that I was not good enough and that I make the worst friend. Even now, 15 years later, I take a lot of time to make friends and find it hard to reach out to others. I overcompensate for my friendships and tend to get critical about their feelings about me. It has started to change for the better and I believe I am so far ahead from the self I was 10 or even 2 years ago.
I had people bullying me a lot in school as well, teasing me for looking and behaving like a girl. I definetly did not like it and more often cry at home. Had stomach cramps going to school. Im not sure how I would deal with them better if I was there now because as kids you just say things without thinking. some might be true, some might be exxagerated, and some flat out negative energy. maybe the best thing is to realize that kids just talk without thinking, they are just in the moment. and that way you can brush them off easily.
I believe I am a better person now, although not as spontaneous and carefree in friendships as I would like to be. Its just time that is not on our side. Im already 26 and I think I've already lost some best years of my life to negative energy.

[emma]

hello i am emma and i am 13 some one please help me i feel lost i feel lonely everytime i cry after school its because yet again another bully has picked on me! i cry all the time because of this yet no one seems to understand they call me fatty i use to think i was average but now they make me feel like i really am fat please help. i wish i wasnt on this earth then this would all be over and no one could hurt me anymore what am i gonna do !!!

[Bags]

I couldn't even sit in class without some moron bullying me. My boiling anger years later is the sum of several factors. I now know any school principal who dared suspend a student for fighting in self defense can get sued out of his/her job. The smallest kid in school can take out the biggest bully with a pencil to the eye, and get away with it as long as the bully attacked him for no reason. I'm several inches taller than I was back in school. I passed up many of my bullies in size.

I was even bullied as an 18 yr. old Army private in Basic Training. The Army bullying doesn't bother me because these guys were in their mid 20s, and were privates going through Basic. I was a Sergeant at 21, and a Second Lieutenant at 27. I consider them my inferiors.
I was 5'5", 105 lbs. in 8th grade. I was 5'9" at the end of 10th grade, and was passing up some of my bullies. I made it to 6' tall at 19, and the bullying stopped. I earned my degree, and a black belt. But... I am a walking cauldron of hate. The slightest insult sets me off. I won't start a fight, and any would-be bully quickly retracts when they see my reaction. Over time, even tough looking thugs don't say anything about me in my presence.

I went to my 20 year reunion, and was waiting for vengeance. Girls who ignored me back them were now women wondering who was that guy who had no gut, and a full head of hair. One of the ugliest guys in high school was now more handsome, and a better athelete, than nearly all of the popular guys.

Of course, many of my middle school bullies either didn't make it through high school, or they did after failing a year, or two. When the worst bullies didn't show, I decided to wait for the minor ones. None of them showed up either.
Message to all of you kids: Bullies will not appear at any reunion! 90% of the former school wimps will, and they will be breathing fire!

I noticed that the first boys to grow mustaches were the first ones to lose their hair, and stop growing in height.
Not finding any bully, I searched online, and cursed myself for not remembering full names and dates of birth. The ones I found on Classmates.com, would not answer my emails, not even an "F you" for old times sake.

I don't want their apologies. I want justice. I tried to forget, but I can't.
I plan on sending them a message, asking them for a meeting. I'll cover myself legally by not starting the fight. They can either ask me nicely to leave, which tells me they are too afraid; or they can threaten me, which is what I want.
I am 41, and the hatred of bullying still affects me. Do you see what bullying does, kids? I'm far from a virgin, but I don't have a wife. All of my girlfriends had been several years younger than me. I flaunt them at women my age as a way of payback.

I walk around daily, waiting for some wannabe tough guy to tell me he's going to beat me up. I can cripple him with my bare hands and get a way with it if he makes that all important first move, but... at 41, he still hadn't shown up.

It's too late for me, but I give you this advice if you are still a kid in school. If insulted, hurl an insult right back, but don't threaten. When THEY answer with a threat, tell the Principal only one time. If the bully, or any other in schoo, bothers you again, you are free to trash him. You covered yourself. Sue the school, if threatened with suspension.

If the bully is too big to fight, tell the Principal, "Next time, I don't tell you, I tell the police. YOU, Mr. Principal, get to tell the Superintendant why the police showed up at your school."

You can get away with throwing the first punch if you were threatened with physical harm.
Always hit back someone your size, or smaller. One of the hardest things I've ever done in my life was getting the courage to punch a bully back for the first time.
Despite their mouth, most of them can't fight. Real fighters want a challenge, not the wimp who doesn't fight back.
One more time, if I were in school again, I would fight back hard and get a lawyer if the school tried to suspend me.

[euthanize by iq]

STOP teaching kids self esteem. The prisons are filled with people with high esteem.

Instead teach kids EMPATHY from a young age.

[euthanize by iq]

When I hear about school shootings on TV and therapy being offered to the people who admitted to take part in the bullying of the shooter, and those who stood by without defending the week, I am not thrilled, but I am infurated that the system does not 'get it'.

That kids was harassed past his breaking point. Sure, lashing out with (random) lethal force is not appropriate. But maybe, just maybe, that's something we as a society should consider.

ZERO tolerance for ongoing, baseless, emotional abuse of kids.

bullies: think twice.. you're life might be on the line

Verbal abuse is not tolerated in society as adults.. why the hell is a blind eye turned to abuse of youth?

[euthanize by iq]

* week == weak

[James]

Bullies = a great way to practice forgivness. Just remember one of those times you bullied someone eles. Oh go ahead you can do it. Anytime you did. Are you a tall man that goes a crowded gay bar and has Ever used your size in order to get to the bar faster then someone else. Use the Older car you drive to change lanes in rush hour traffic knowingthat fear of a scuff or scratch markwill keep that Lexus at bay? I'd do one more but I figure we both just thought of that bullying thing we do. Or hopefully did ! Ok now you are the bully. Understand why you did it? Me either. My exuses range from I was frustrated, angry, upset, thinking of something else, trickling down my pain from work. Or how about this one. My dad holds me up by the hair while he punches me in the stomach and slaps hard my face before throwing me accross my bedroom. And now it is just my way of making someone else feel my pain. wow what a great reason! Now realize that they are all wrong. People don't deserve my wrath just because this happened to me. "Someone took my eye so give me yours bitch!" Here, unfortunatly, is toughest part. Forgivness. Do you forgive yourself for your actions? I try really really hard to do just that. Not sure if I can though. As it seems to frieghten me so much knowing that I do them. So, the next person I see in need of help ... gets it in spades from me. A ride, 20 bucks, a walk accross the street, a punch in the face, ridicule, sarcasm. They all come your way when trying to help the weak and in need. And why is there always a group beating on that one person. Dates are so hard to find with a black eye I can tell ya. Pennance for me being evil before? And never close to balancing out my personal scales of evil vs good. And always the fear. Paralizing terror of "but what if". Standing your ground with that person you don't know. Knowing we are all Bullies. Yes mom you too. Is a good first step. We all realize too late that our actions were out of "why did this happen to me?" thoughts. Fear of it will happen again. Or "This is how the world is dammit so why shouldn't I !" Remove the fear from your bullying. Control it. Understand it. The result Fear + Courage + Understanding = Compasion. Compasion for the Bully. Yup for him or her. Help those in need when you can all the time. And I for one feel Bullies are persons in need. (forgive the spelling and grammer? please?)

[MLo]

Wow, reading this really takes me back. I was never really bullied myself ass people say I always look to have a mean attitude! (So not true when you get to know me, I comedic and nice for the most part) Truth be told I always had something on my mind due to issues at home and when I crossed paths with people being bullied I bullied the bully.

I believe it had someting to do with feeling defensless at home and wanting to be in an environment where people did not have to defend themselves and feel safe.

Unfortunately human nature tends to dictate the adverse. I don't know what effect I had on the bullies aside from angering them and making plenty of enemies. Got my butt kicked and kicked a few myself. Friends I made in the process, I will never forget.

Atleast I can say that as adults we need to let children know how and that it is ok to defend themselves. Moreso, keep the communication open. I see the same things on the news about children killing themselves and it is disgusting.

Our generation has to dictate, embrace and follow through with change. The world is changing around us rapidly and it affects all ages. Wars use to be won by brute force and big guns (maybe even still today) but let North Korea develop a nuclear weapon (which they WILL) and force will only bring major death and destruction to both sides and the innocent. Violence needs to end!!

[T]

I found most of your commments to be motivational, but can remember how sad it was to see kids get bullied not just for sexuality but for any reason. As a closeted gay male, I was lucky, but know I'm trapped in the closet because all the friends I've made, who protected me, don't really know I'm gay. Fortunately I've come to terms with it, and have realized that my closest friends probably know and it's not necessary to address it with them.

[Kirk]

If I could see them today, there are so many people, both faculty and students alike, that i'd like to set on fire, and then beat them in the face with a shovel to put it out (hey even I have a heart).

Would I really do it? Of course not, but I can't say it wouldn't be satisfying, at least in my fantasy. Bullying can be very damaging to a kid's outlook, not only on life, but people too. And for me, it certainly carried over into adulthood as evidenced by my visceral outburst above.

I wish that I could forgive.