Are Lesbians Afraid to Look at Each Other?

By Jenny Stewart, PlanetOut Editorial Director

I have a question for all the lesbians out there.  Why is it that we never make eye contact with each other in public?   Whether out grocery shopping, jogging, at the gym, at Starbucks or most of all – inside a lesbian bar or club – we always avert our eyes.

Ok – what's going on?  Do lesbians have a fear of eye contact?  Now with gay men, we know that it’s all about the smoldering stare.  One look and boom – no hello is necessary.  Clearly, when it comes to the mating habits of gay men and lesbians, we couldn’t be any more different.  But seriously, would it kill us to at least look at each other?  Maybe even smile?

Recently, my friend and I went to a lesbian bar in San Francisco and did a little experiment.   We sat at a prominent table with a bird’s-eye view of the crowd and we not only locked eyes with every single woman there, we also smiled.   But as predicted, the response we got was averted eyes and even some frightened looks.   There was even this one woman there all by herself who you’d have thought would appreciate a friendly smile. And as always the case when you’re alone in a bar, she was running out of places to look.  Finally, she looked.  We smiled… but she quickly turned away. She decided to instead focus her attention to a sign on that wall that read, “Closed Sundays.”  

We weren’t too offended because, truth be told, we weren’t the only ones being ignored – everyone in that bar was having a great time not looking at each other.  Actually, there were these two women who kept checking each other out, but they only did it when they knew the other wasn’t looking.  At one point they accidentally looked at each other at the same time, but immediately realized their mistake and looked elsewhere.  By the time the “Closed Sunday” woman was staring out the window, we were laughing out loud, although it was actually depressing.

Now I don’t know what it’s like for women in other cities, but this apparent fear of lesbian eye contact is so prevalent here in San Francisco that my friends and I have made a game out of it.   When we’re anywhere in public and we spot lesbians, we go out of our way to look them in the eye and smile.  If they return our attention, then I owe my friend $10.  So far, I haven’t lost a cent.

Joking aside, I do wonder why it’s like this.  Why are we avoiding contact?  Do we think that if we look, the woman will think we’re “cruising”?  If so, who cares?  It’s better than nothing.  Or does it get down to shyness?  Or perhaps this isn’t regulated just to lesbians, but to women in general?

It’s odd that women are widely considered better communicators than men, yet we consistently fall short in this area. Is it that we as women are conditioned to simply stand demurely in the corner, waiting for the man to approach?   But it’s 2009 and we’re not searching for a knight in shining armor, at least not a male one.  So then why are we still subscribing to antiquated mating behaviors?  Or is it something else?

I'd love for others to weigh in on this -- why is it so difficult for lesbians to make contact?

[Editor's note: Due to the responses to this story, we did an update.  Click here to read more and commit to "Operation Lesbian Eye Contact"]

 

Images courtesy Getty

Comments

[des]

you know i have wondered this same thing. I am stuck in a horribly closed up bible belt judgemental city and have not been able to make friends with other women. First they denied my access to their yahoo group, and when I see an obvious lezzie anywhere they are just looking down and will not make any contact. This makes no sense to me but I am moving asap to the nearest gay friendly, female populated city and hopefully not have this same experience. I thought it was just this city. I am from new orleans and did not have this same experience. Lesbians are heads up friendly there, or at least it used to be before Katrina hit, not sure if it is still that way but i do know that the gay men have taken over and there are no "women" hot spots anymore.

[Cheryl Stevens]

I'm so glad that someone else noticed this about lesbians...sheesh...This is why I stopped going out to bars! If I'd smile or try to just make friendly conversation, I would get the cold shoulder or even get accused of trying to steal their gf....In stores it's the same...It's just insane! lol...I hang out with straight people mostly or gay men, much more fun! Sad but true! South Carolina, near Charlotte N.C...hee...

[yep]

Very true in L.A. It's a cold cold world out here.

[Mama Cole]

Is it a woman thing, a female thing, a lesbian thing... And why?

[Tracey]

It's the same here in Albuquerque, NM. The Lesbian scene isn't quite as friendly as it was five years ago, which is a shame, because Albuquerque is sooooo Gay/Lesbian friendly!! Just wanted to put my 2 cents in.

[RebeccaAustin]

This is an amazing piece. I too would like to know why this "lack of eye contact" does happen in our community. I live in Austin and we have a great lesbian community. But my friends and I also wonder why more women aren't really talking or looking at each other in venues.

I myself admit that when I woman looks at me, I smile, but my first reaction is usually, "uh oh -- what is that person's problem?" By the time I realize, "Ok Rebecca -- this is a lesbian and she is looking at you, it's ok to look back," it's usually too late!

I do agree that it may in fact be a woman thing, and maybe not just geared to lesbians. But heck, I don't know! What I do know is that ever since I came out, I have always wished that we as lesbians looked and smiled more.

Nice piece -- now I am curious about the answer as to why!

[gillian_NY]

I live in NYC and I'm sad to report that it's the same sort of epidemic here! It's not that we're mean to each other in bars, it's just that there seems to be an apparent lack of any sort of like...effort on anyone's side to actively make eye contact.

I did laugh at the part where the two women who liked each other only looked when the other wasn't looking. That has been true in my experience since I was 22 and it seems to be the same now that I'm 35.

Maybe we should all make a pact to just start looking and smiling more? Maybe make it a new trend? I'm actually not kidding either. "It's cool to smile!"

[Cotton]

I've lived in several large cities and currently in LA. It's the same all over the place. If you make eye contact or smile, other lesbian women shrug it off and ignore you. I actually belonged to a trivia lesbian club - we would meet once a week at a bar. I joined to make friends since I was new to the city. It took me a few months to realize there was another lesbian team...that was only on accident as I was making my way to the restroom! If the team sat on one side of the room, the other team would sit on the other side of the room... and ignore us all night. Vice versa.

Lesbians are the most difficult people to get to know. Very unfriendly and standoffish. I belong to a lesbian bike club as well and other lesbians only show up to exercise - not socialize. They start avoiding me so they don't have to talk. How and where are you suppose to meet other single lesbians?

But if you smile and make eye contact with a straight woman, she'll make eye contact and smile back. But then once the straight woman becomes friends with me and knows I'm a lesbian, they all think I'm madly in love with them and think I want to hook up which strains the relationship. Or if they know I don't want to hook up with them and only be friends, they get upset and ask me why I am not interested in them.

Catch 22... maybe that's why I just hang out with men or by myself.

[SHARONDC]

I'm glad someone's finally addressed this! And it's also refreshing to see the writer is trying to start a dialogue instead of just complaining.

I agree with Gillian. Maybe all that is needed for us to start having eye contact and smile at each other is do all commit to start doing it.

Count me in. I will start looking at every lesbian I see in the eye and give her a friendly look. I mean it. And if my smile is met with fear or "what are you looking at?" look, I will further commit to introducing myself and then be on my way.

Come on -- let's all start this now. It's Pride weekend so the timing is perfect!

[Scottness]

Your article struck a chord in me, because I have been saying this to friends (mostly lesbian couples) for a long time. I am a single lesbian and whether out and about or just grocery shopping, lesbians generally do not acknlowledge each other. I find this to be a very sad, closeted and perhaps self-loathing aspect of my community. Being it is gay pride month and the parade is happening in S.F this w/e, let us all try to at least make eye contact with one another and grin a big, "we are sisthas" or at least "we are cousins" smile to each other on a regular basis. A smile ,even if averted by another, is a very simple, gracious, kind and affirming act. Let's do, be more generous , it just may make someone's day and who knows may make yours and mine as well. Here's to connecting more with one another and being less afraid, of what I really don't understand. Maybe it is the thought that a simple smile or some authentic eye contact means an engagement ring or a uhaul is sure to follow. In any case, we always have the choice to say, "yes", or "no thank you", kindly.

[Jane G]

Thank you for bringing this up! Maybe we'll all begin to relax with one another more with this coming out into the open.
Sometimes I think women are afraid of feeling trapped, that if they open up too fast too soon they won't be able to say no to expectations. This is possibly very old conditioning.
Another thing I've noticed like the lack of eye contact syndrome, is when asking someone to coffee or some other activity just to get to know this person in the community, it is often taken as a come-on, something I find out later when word gets back that this person says I have the 'hots' for her.

[Arielle]

Wow, this is totally true. I thought it was just me because I'm sort of shy/socially awkward. This happens all the time with this lesbian at the YMCA. She's there right now, and I'm going to go smile at her. I'd do the lesbian head nod, but I'm always afraid I look like a tool when I try it.

[tum2]

I guess it's because women are much more resistant by nature than men when it comes to being straight-forward in that matter..???

or maybe because,in the past,from 1 generation to another, women were indoctrinated to repress themselves..therefore it programmed most women's DNA ..our genetics..our bodies..our feelings to react in that way??(do i make sense?)

hhhmmmmm....or typical women insecurities may be??....hmmmmm....???

[yep]

I've had the same experience as Jane G. If I ask someone if they'd like to get coffee sometime, they often respond with something like "my life is really busy right now, but I'm sure I'll run into you", as if I've asked for some major commitment, when I'm just trying to get to know someone beyond the few words you exchange with someone at a club.

My best friends are straight women and gay and straight men. No real lesbian friends. It's a shame. And can I say, I've dated more "straight" women than lesbians? They're just more friendly. Ha!

[Heather]

I think it's what you make of it. Years ago I swore I would be more outgoing. I look at every lesbian in the eye and smile, but I go one step more and say hello as well. If there is a couple, I always look at them both but say hello to the butch one (if there is one lol). The only time I make a habit not to make contact is if she is really young, because I don't want her think I am trying to cruise her. Go figure ~smile~. I live in AZ by the way, and when I came here 11 years ago, I thought the community was hidden. Turns out, we just live everywhere and don't need a community to be ourselves.

[Michelle B.]

I really did think that it was only me and I can offer insight into why I have a tendency to look away. Although I am clearly aware that i am attracted to women and I have been told that i appear that way just by looks alone...when i see a woman who appears to be gay I tend to try my best not to make eye contact because i am afraid that i am sort of looking into a mirror...i am afraid that to others I appear as gay as the woman that i am afraid to catch eyes with. I guess i just dont want others to find that i "look the part." But hey, I'm only speaking for myself.

[sheryl clyde]

Well know I know what I have been wrong. I guess I should stop looking at women.

[Sarah]

Isn't this all just amazing - and silly??
I love in Indianapolis...not the lesbian hot-spot of the country to be sure. But here, not only do lesbians who don't know each other not look at each other, but lesbians who DO know each other will avoid eye contact with each other out in public.
My best friend is very straight and happily married to a man. But she loves her lesbian friends. (Thankfully!) Just a few days ago, she and I went to a gambling casino with a couple other friends who are lesbians. While there, I saw a woman who I have been introduced to several times. We've talked at parties and have even sung kereoke together. But when she saw me out in the straight world, she averted her eyes and practically blew me over trying to get past me! I was standing up about to say hello to her when this happened. Kind of embarrassing.
All I can say is thank goodness for my straight best buddy! She has no problem being seen in public with her gay friends. To bad our "family" does.

[skye]

I am a very friendly person and have always smiled and/or approached people and just started a conversation. I always get snubbed, but I assumed it was because I am not attractive. Lesbians are also much more judgemental regarding looks than men are. Men smile and talk to me all the time, but women snicker behind my back and occasionally to my face. They weren't much different 20 years ago when I was still pretty.

[Blue Eyes Singing]

There is an element of flirtation in any direct eye contact. My friends tell me I flirt with men! I am not afraid to look a straight man in the eyes (and often, he does get the wrong idea). When I am with a woman, I feel more vulnerable to rejection.
A straight woman was coaching me how to meet a new friend at a dance. When a lesbian came up to me and smiled, I wasn't sure what to do. When we started to dance and I thought, "How nice. I don't feel so awkward now." When I saw her the next time, she sat down with me, but I didn't know what to say. Later my friend said, "She was hitting on you and you didn't even notice!"

In the lesbian culture, I think there is less of a fixed boundary between friend and lover. I'm not friends with any of my ex's, but many women are. Sometimes your ex is your best friend's partner. It gets confusing with this migration back and forth between roles.

I live in the SF Bay area, but I find that (excuse my stereotype) single lesbians and bisexual women are harder to identify than gay men. Who remembers the days when we stuffed handkerchiefs in our back jeans pocket as a signal to other lesbians? Partnered lesbians are not difficult to identify.
They are in Home Depot, or have a child or two with them.
I don't expect lesbian couples to make eye contact with me any more than I would expect straight couples to.

Here is my process of deciding whether to make eye contact with a lesbian: "I wonder if she is a lesbian, what she is wearing? Is she wearing 'practical' shoes? How short are her fingernails? Does she look comfortable in her body? Is there a ring? Oh, no ring! Yes! What if she wants to have sex with me? Oh my god, I better look away now. I can't let her know I am interested in her, I would just die! Well, maybe just friends. Yeah, I could say hello if I only wanted to me friends……"

By the time I am ready to take action and move out of my thoughts, she is l-o-n-g gone.

[Hazel Eyes Smiling]

Huh. Learning that lesbians every where have a hard time looking each other in the eye, is kind of refreshing. :) I live in S. Central PA, and the lesbian community here is very exclusive. Groups of lesbians in this area are just not open to the idea of inviting someone 'new' and unknown into their group. Heaven forbid if you have a falling out with a member of a group of lesbians, because then you get 'black-balled.' Pun not intended. I've been single for six years and it's been just as long since I've had a date in this area. I've tried, oh trust me, I've tried. And just found that it's a lot less stressful to be single than deal with the drama in this community of lesbians.

Now, the gay men here...are absolutely wonderful. It's a shame the women can't be more fun and less judgemental.

[KD Hendrick]

My partner and I live near St. Louis, and it is certainly true here. I've given up even trying to make friends. You certainly can't strike up a conversation with people in public who will not look at you. The majority of lesbians I've met here (and in Texas where we lived before) seem very stuck up. Apparently, there is a lesbian handbook defining proper lesbian behavior, and we didn't get our copy when we came out. Along with not making eye contact, there must be other rules defining what a "real" lesbian is. We don't hang out in bars, or trendy coffee shops, so that's a major strike against us. We don't stand out as obviously butch or extrememly femme. No middle ground there I guess, that's strike two. Strike three...we have a teenager. I think for some reason that seems to be our worst offense. Are we the only 'Odd (lesbian) Couple' in America or has anyone else had their membership into the club revoked?

[KimberlyA.Baez]

I have been reading some of the comments to this article and I find this to be particularly true everywhere in the world. It is a universal thing for women whether lesbian, bisexual, or even straight. It happens when I am shopping at a clothing store, supermarket, or even at a library or post office. Heck I was in a clothing store last week and noticed this super cute lesbian there. I tried getting her attention to help me find a size and she completely ignored me. It wasn't until I bumped into her that she realized me, and by then I was on my way out the door having decided not to purchase this incredibly cute top. It's like women have this big chip on their shoulder when you look at them and there mentality is what the heck is she looking at me for way of thinking. I think it makes women either self conscious and nervous or just down right rude and standoffish. I ask myself what is wrong with women today. I live in Palm Springs right between Los Angeles and San Diego. This place is more gay friendly male, you hardly see any lesbians and there are no lesbian clubs to go to. They had one and closed it down. Now if you wanna got to a lesbian club you gotta drive over an hour away and even then when I have gone to those clubs same thing avoiding eye contact and cold shoulder. So ladies it is everywhere and we need to change this behavior this is the 21st century not the 17th, 18th, 19th, and early 20th century where we have to act submissive and scared and silent. We have a voice and can use it for so many things well let that voice be used for eye contact as well. Please lets all come together ladies and get rid of this avoiding eye contact stare nonsense and cold shoulder attitude.

[A Kiwi]

Kia ora (hello) from a kiwi (New Zealander),

It also happens over here in New Zealand too.

If you look at someone who is standing there, totally unaware they have a partner off at the bar or toilet, you are seen as trying to hustle in should the partner wander back at that precise moment. Same as even saying hello......

Easier to stay at home or hang out with the gayboys... and still go home alone lol.

[that'smsD2u]

Lwoman in Los Angeles are stuck up and shy. They know nothing about cruising. Lwoman in NYC are open for cruising it originated there. I've picked up woman while walking in the Village or at a bus stop.In part woman like to play shy coy and don't know how to cruise.

[Melanie]

Oh geez, I finally moved away from my backwoods town to a lesbian populated town (NORTHAMPTON!) and I thought it was me or something. I'm not butch but I do look somewhat intimidating but not one lesbian looks at me.. In fact, my best friend went up to a girl at the counter to ask her a stupid question and I stood next to her (she was checking me out left and right the week before) and she blew me off completely. Neither of us understood it.

I honestly think there have been too many consequences in the past when caught looking at someone. I love eye contact, but I'm going to have to find a way around this, somehow!

[dylanlover]

I am glad Jenny Stewart wrote about this topic, and I'm glad that we are all commenting in unison as opposed to...being mean about it!

Sadly, I too have to agree that this is also true here in Miami. I fear that I myself am guilty of avoiding eye contact with other gay women, but I'm pretty sure this habit of mine resulted from learned behavior! I have apparently grown conditioned to not looking at lesbians in bars simply because I have seen so many other lesbians doing the same thing. I guess I subconsciously thought that it was uncool to look and smile?

Who knows. I do know that I'm glad the secret is now out in the open and I agree that I will gladly commit to smiling now no matter what.

[Terri Jane]

To KD-----we are a lesbian couple in suburban Atlanta who also never got a copy of "the manual"----and we have strikes against us, too. We get curious glances during our rare forays to gay "hot spots" and no eye contact either, with her. I get eye contact...why? I don't look lesbian and she's obvious. Are they trying to figure out why the dyke chick brought her straight friend to a gay bar? Who knows. Are they looking at the height difference? She's 5'3" and I'm 5'11". (Ever notice that lesbian couples are usually about the same height?) Beats us. I have some gay friends at work and we both have lots of straight friends and don't give it all much thought, to be honest....and if I ever have to date again----I will use online sites. I met her on Match and couldn't be happier....even though I would have never given her cute little 5'3" self a second glance if I'd seen her in a bar first, I like the way online dating takes away a lot of the garbage with meeting!

[Suzanne]

I haven't noticed that problem where I live. If nothing else, I've had other lesbians walk up to me and say hi and visa versa. Sometimes it might just be a head nod. I don't recall ever being avoided.

[Heathcliff]

I can't help but question why women find security in being insecure. Making and maintaining eye contact has been studied and if one can not do so it is considered a flaw on various levels. That being said for all those wanting to analize the scientific meaning......maybe single women are looking for their "Heathcliff". And yes, Blue eyes singing, I do remember wearing a handkerchief to identify myself and my desires. We fought the fight so every "L Word" lesbian could live happily ever after without fear.

[NikitaJones]

Here's a thought: maybe it's like Alice's chart. Everyone is connected to everyone, former lovers, friends of former lovers, etc. Maybe that's where the discomfort comes in.

[We've never been Taught]

The simple truth is we know when men stare at or make eye contact with a woman they're "supposedly" flirting. We don't want to be like that!! (ha) So we've gone out of our way to not be like men, now we don't feel comfortable making eye contact at all. Our brain is saying "it's rude" but our minds are saying "wow, what a cutie"....
So let's get over it and start looking at each other ... it might be a little difficult but a little flirting or just catching someone's eye should be welcomed.
My Two Cents.

[Darla]

Wow, I have never given much thought to this issue. I live in Arizona and don't think I've ever noticed. I am a fairly friendly person and don't mind looking at other lesbians and smiling a friendly hello. It's just a friendly hello afterall. I hang out with lesbian friends and I consider this area to be a very gay friendly area.

I agree with several of the people responding, I hope that we all make an effort to look at each other and say hello. Without the worry of what that simple kind act means besides an acknowledgement of another person.

[KD Hendrick]

To Terri Jane -

I agree. My partner and I met online. I'm sure our paths had crossed before living in the same town, but it took away all of the initial pressure. I wish it worked the same for finding lesbian friends, but that hasn't worked. (Maybe they all know our membership was revoked!)

[Heather]

Maybe you should all moved to AZ!!! Both Darla and I will always say hello to you!!!

~smile~
funny how we both experience the same thing here :)

[LackingEditButton]

I'm a little embarrassed to admit that I've thought about this a great deal. It is not unique to America...'found the same odd phenomenon in London and Berlin.
The only girl I can clearly remember actually making eye contact, and winking, turned out to be completely insane.
I'm wondering if it is an innate mechanism, perhaps deeply rooted in our DNA, to protect our true thoughts. The eyes really are mirrors to the soul. I'm one of the fruitcakes that believes that a large volume of information is available at a glance. Perhaps, historically,allowing others this doorway, in a Darwinian sense, left us too vulnerable, so we altered our collective behavior to protect our existence.
My other working theory is that it a self defeating effort to gain the upper hand. Are we all just desperately trying to avoid looking desperate? Both scenarios are sad AND frustrating. Being kind and open should not be perceived as weaknesses...what are we doing?

[CM]

I'm very out going, make eye contact with most everyone, smile and even say "Hi" to strangers. So.......that most Lesbians do not make eye contact or acknowledge anyone has always been a wonder to me!!!!!! What I do know is all the Lesbians within my circle smile and also make eye contact with others in the world.....and each is comfortable in their own skin with very high self esteem.....

[Michele Corbett]

Hi, in the part of Seattle that I live in I don't find it to be a problem. It could be that the neighborhood that I live in is lesbian friendly and populated with quit a few dykes.
I'm a friendly woman who says hi to about anyone on the street. I suppose it helps that I have a cute dog. Also, I don't usually make direct eye contact. When I have with a woman who was obiviously a lesbian no problem. Maybe the friendliness and cute dog help.

[leisha]

finally someone has the balls to write on this issue. i live in ct. and my experience with women in general when i go places when i smile or make eye contact is that they don't make eye contact or even smile back. to me that is the rudests thing a woman in general can do to someone. and i wonder why i'm still single?

[Lori]

It just might be a US thing. I've lived in Australia and Canada, and have always smiled at and been smiled at lesbians in both countries as a matter of course. Any other ex-colonials care to comment...

[Jo]

I actually have a confession. There's this lesbian at my work (I'm also a lesbian), and I know she is an ex of a friend of mine, but she doesn't know who I am. Or at least I don't think she knows. I'm also a very outgoing person, and I make a point of eye contact when speaking with someone, but I always look away - as does she - when we see each other. I've never even spoken to her, yet know so much about her. Another strange coincidence was I had posted an ad on CL and she responded to it. I recognized her email right away, but mine remained anonymous. I didn't say anything to her, or respond to her email. Though my work is full of out homosexuals I feel my orientation is best kept to myself, and maybe it's a fear of association.

"If they see me talking or looking at her maybe everyone will assume I'm gay too."

Maybe this is the fear.

[greeneyes]

Let me start by saying I am so grateful to hear dialogue about this issue and to have an opportunity to get some things off my chest. MY HEART hurts, a lot, not only can I completely relate to everything that has already been said above, but i have come to some kind of weird disconnected lonely place within myself/community.

When I was a young dyke full of hope I would smile and make eye contact with other women all the time, as much as possible. For a long time I was in denial about why my glances were not being met. I would look at anyone I perceived to be a lesbian, or any woman who radiated tendencies. Sometimes I had nice responses but 90% of the time I would get no kind of response, and chalk it up to fear/or me/or unavailablity. I have gotten to the point where I hate socializing with other women so much that I just don't bother to go out anymore. This is SO sad and painful.. Case in point, tonight is pride kickoff and i'm home and feeling disconnected from the love i once thought came so much easier between women. You know, the eyes are the doorways to the soul. We are not connecting with one another on a deep soul level. We would rather stare at a wall or closed sunday sign than just smile, and take attention as a compliment/acknowledgment of existence. What is happening here? More importantly, what can YOU/I do to stop this hate/fear/homophobia- whatever you want to call it? Why did I spend new years crying because I said 'happy new year' to some stranger woman who looked lonely turned and walked away from me AFTER looking me in the eye. I wasn't even trying to hit on her.

ETC ETC the stories go on and on. We are making such political strides on a public level. WE have been noticed and cannot be ignored anymore. But who cares about any of that if we can't be real and intimate with one another privately in our community?

[Jenny A.]

I live in San Francisco and have got to say that I have noticed the same thing. I am very outgoing and new to the city and am always looking for new friends/acquaintances. Everytime i'm at a bar or any public forum and make this eye contact or the ever familiar smile and stare I get zip back. Most of the time females think I am trying to "pick up" which has been the case at times but whatever happened to common curtesy is my question. Where I'm from, L.A. haha, when some one takes time out of their day to throw you a smile, you return the simple gesture. No but on a serious note, was that not the case at some point. I smile and am automatically summed up as being a weirdo, or a horndog looking for a lay. I don't get it a smile is a smile, a simple gesture.

[Angie]

I've been thinking about this article for the past few hours and can't get it out of my mind...very relevant article and I've often thought about this topic over the years. I never dreamed, though, it was on so many other lesbians' minds:)...

I just wanted to mention two things...the first is that I never thought of it as a lesbian thing before because for me this issue of "not looking at each other" has always happened in grocery stores, places like Borders, the very public place where I work...I'll see an adorable woman who seems full of life and I'll smile at her (even though I'm painfully shy)...I've always thought when she didn't look back that it was lack of interest or she was straight... straight people, for the most part, have an advantage we often don't. How do I KNOW that woman in the grocery store is even gay? I mean I smile at everyone, especially when I'm happy and in a great mood, so it's not like I intend to hit on these women (I'm not a very good flirt anway)...

The other thing is even when I am in a lesbian environment when a women looks away I naturally assume she's not interested...I'm not exactly a supermodel or versed in how to capture a woman's heart...I know I'm rambling here...it's just...before I read this I assumed it was a human nature thing, not necessarily a lesbian thing, when women don't look back.

Where I live people, especially women, always seem to be in a hurry and often if you smile at a stranger she looks absolutely stunned and scurries away as if you just flashed her...I'm not kidding! Men, more than women or so it seems to me, will almost always smile back...

Okay, I've gone enough. It's past two here on the East Coast and I am way too sleepy....excellent article!!:)

[Nik2taz]

I was actually happy to see this article. Although its content is very true. I live in the Phoenix area and although there isn't much of a lesbian scene here there are lesbians here. Believe it or not our straight counterparts may be wired a bit differently then us. I find that eye contact towards gay women get me nowhere. But eye contact toward straight women gets me at least a converstation, if nothing else. Especially at a straight club. Women at straight clubs although not gay seem more open to female converstation then male. At a female club, everyone is just to shy or into there group of friends to pay attention. So why does this happen? I think Lesbians are to conditioned to think what is going on is not right. In one way or another we are subconsciously projecting it. More often then not. There are very few who don't.
Its hard to make friends this way let along get a relationship started. That initial contact is needed.
A smile, a look, whatever. Its called Flirting. It can be done anywhere at anytime with anybody. Although the content of this article is sadly true. You can work hard to get their attention(they may not be into you) or you can try, fail, and just move on. (This is something males have had to learn over the years)
Just my twocents.
-Make someone smile and they can't help but like you.

[r.j.]

I live in Portland, and I can't say I've ever experienced that here. But then, I'm very much an extrovert, and greet everyone with a shake or a touch or a hug, whatever. I look everyone in the eye, because that's how I roll. Come to think of it, I had a gal staring me down as I was walking into work last night. And she didn't look away when I looked back either. She was cute. I don't really think about checking other women out, and never have. But then I'm a butch, so I don't feel obligated to play all of those little mind games that femme women do.

Maybe making eye contact is a confirmation of who is the one doing the chasing, who is being pursued by whom. If neither gal wants that role, than it sure as hell isn't going to lend itself to women being open and friendly, or establishing eye contact. Or maybe it has to do with how fast lesbians meld together. Most people go from 0 to cohabitation in like five seconds. Maybe it's a defense mechanism against getting with too many women or being labelled a slut. Even lesbian women play those same labelling games that str8 women do. Gay men have broken through the slut barrier, but not lesbians. We still seem to enjoy holding each others feet to the fire.

And finally, with so much attention to status in lesbian relationships, no woman seems to want to commit to a fling with anyone until they know their family heritage, income level, and position in life. It's that "L-Word" thang. Status, status, status. Lesbians are worse about 'trading up' than many str8 women.

Bottom line is that a whole lot of lesbian chicas are stuck up b*tches. Yes, attitude is a mode of protection to the outside world, but why bring that indoors? It makes no sense.

[ms]

I think this is not only about internalized homophobia, but also about internalized sexism & classicim. These statements in the comment above : "But then I'm a butch, so I don't feel obligated to play all of those little mind games that femme women do." and "Bottom line is that a whole lot of lesbian chicas are stuck up b*tches." seems to me to reflect traditional sex role assumptions. It's hard for all of us to escape our in-culturation. Also, the last 30 years of right wing rule in this country has made our whole culture a LOT more conservative and scary in many ways. My younger daughter is facing even worse sex role crap from school and friends at 3 years old now than did my older daughter (21) did when she was 3.

As a single lesbian Mom, I find that both straight & gay women are much friendlier at the city playgrounds to chat, and even exchange phone #s for playdates with kids, than in the suburbs, where women will barely say boo to each other.

I came out in the 70s, and everyone was a whole lot more outgoing and friendlier then; maybe because we were part of a strong social movement, and we were really conscious about building community together.

[Anne]

I live in the suburbs of NYC and it's the same here. Which makes it very hard to just make friends, everyone is so guarded, and yes hard to find. I have no problems, as someone said about str8 women friends who are married. They know I have no interest in their men!! Recently I was meeting a new group of womyn (mostly couples), nice, like minded....second visit, I was accidentally bitten by their dog at the host couple's home,no one offered to take me to the doctor and I've never heard from them again. What is everyone so afraid of? Is the world so scary today, that we forgot what we fought so hard for? Ladies, lets just start smiling at each other, knowing it's a lovely gesture acknowledging a saphic sister.

[Rebecca]

Thank God someone has finally written about this

I think it goes beyond eye contact. It is hard to initiate casual relationships of any kind with a lesbian. We are very hard on each other and this isolation makes work related moves and break-ups much more stressful.

I'm very friendly and will routinely strike up conversations with strangers in checkout lines. I've had people tell me their life story in those few moments, so I know that I'm not normally perceived as intrusive. But when the person is a lesbian, I've learned to put on "the act".

As some have mentioned, rejection and even ridicule are often the response you get for smiling, or heaven forbid asking someone to have coffee! Breaking the rules can have bad repercussions.

It took me two years to befriend a lesbian neighbor I made the mistake of treating like I would any normal person. She responded by leaving me out of neighborhood events and generally avoiding me. One of my straight neighbors finally confronted her and told her it wasn't right to hurt my feelings like that.

The saddest thing about this practice is that it forces all of us to come across as the same kind of person. I don't want to date a Generic Lesbian. I want to date a real person who is willing to show me who she is. A smile certainly helps.

[Michele]

Jenny,

Thanks for bringing this subject up and yes it happens here in New Jersey, at the bars, at the beach, at the supermarket, on the golf course, virtually EVERYWHERE!! It is so common, yet, as you say, it so depressing. My partner and I met 22 years ago, by making eye contact first.
We have to laugh at these lesbo's who would rather crawl in a cave than look at you and just smile. Most of them are trying so hard to avoid making eye contact, that they look puzzled, angry, nervous and even suspicious. maybe they should realize HOW they look before they play the avoidance game. The wrinkles and stress on the eyes and face are surely going to make them look older than they are if they keep doing it.

I am no psychiatrist, but I think a lot of it is lack of self esteem and being uncomfortable within themselves. I would hate to think that all these women are such snobs that it is "beneath" them to even look at other women! In general, I think our society has become so introverted and most people are in their own little worlds. Listen to the real life stories of people screaming for help and no one responds, or someone getting beat up, raped or even killed- as people walk by or stand there watching the whole thing go down. Their excuses are lame- they didn't want to get involved, they were afraid for themselves, or they were late for an appointment, whatever.

Sometimes I get right in a woman's face and smile and tell her how beautiful she looks! Or if the "avoidance" game happens in the supermarket, I'll stop right there in front of the woman/women and say to my partner "whassup that lesbian's can't make eye contact or even crack a smile?" I haven't gotten arrested or beat up yet- but it gives them something to think about.

To all the Women out there (and you know who you are) GET OVER IT, STOP PLAYING THE GAMES, LIFE IS TOO SHORT FOR YOUR PETTINESS. Why not consider it a compliment that another woman is looking at you and smiling. What a gift a smile is in our world today. Not to mention you'll have less wrinkles and won't look ridiculous trying so hard to avoid others.