Ask Betty: On High School
High school is rarely an easy time for anyone. For gay and lesbian
teens, it's doubly treacherous. Self-doubt, social pressure, and a
sense of isolation all conspire to leave many GLBT teens feeling
overwhelmed and helpless. Over the past year, Betty DeGeneres has heard
from many such teens. We hope that by reading some of their stories, along with
Betty's advice to them, high school students everywhere will be
reassured that they are not alone.
Kids in the Hall
Dear Betty,
I live with my grandparents, and ever since they found out that I am gay
they have made my life a living hell. They put me in two mental
hospitals
and a group house for six months in the hopes that they would turn me
straight. I was finally able to get out when I turned 18 but was forced
to
move back in with them because I had no other means of support. Not
only has my home life been terrible, but school has been even worse. I
have been attacked and I get death threats on a daily basis. The
principal refuses to do anything about it and then he punishes me for
the
actions of the other students. I will be a senior next year and I have
decided to return to my school because I refuse to give in to them, to
let
them win. Also, I am finally moving out on my own, in with a friend. My
questions are, how am I going to deal with my school and my principal if
things are as bad as they were last year, and what am I going to do if
my
grandparents try to stop me from leaving or taking my personal things?
Thank you for taking the time to read this; it means the world to me.
Nick
Dear Nick,
What a miserable situation for you. Your grandparents think they're
doing
you a favor, but they're doing more harm to your self-image than they
know. As for the principal of your school, he/she has a duty to protect
you, and all students, from harassment. I urge you to get in touch with
GLSEN (Gay, Lesbian, Straight Education Network) and ask them to send
their educational brochures to your principal. This person definitely
needs
educating. Also, if there's a PFLAG chapter near you, you should attend
and get some of their brochures to give to your grandparents. If there
isn't one, log on to PFLAG.org and send for some.
Good luck with your last year of high school. I hope after that you can
move to a place that's more accepting of diversity.
Love,
betty
Dear Betty,
I have some problems. I have accepted my feelings and decided I was
bi. I told a close friend (my cousin, whom I have always trusted) about
they way I felt for other girls. She was understanding when I told her,
which relieved me because my mother and family feel very strongly about
gay/bi/trans people. But she has gone and told everyone at school about
it. Now I have lost all my close and trusting friends, and people are
always picking on me. They have gone so far as to try and push me down
the school steps, with teachers watching, not caring. I am deeply
depressed and I have no one to turn to. Now I have another worry -- I'm
afraid my mom and family will find out. If they do, they will disown me
--
I know this for a fact. Every time the topic of homosexuality is brought
up, my parents and aunts and uncles always tell me and my sisters,
brothers, and cousins that we would disgrace the family name, and God
would punish us in a terrible way. I have no clue what to do about the
way
I feel, about what will happen if and when they find out. I need help on
what to do, please.
Sincerely,
Jade
Dear Jade,
It sounds like a pretty
self-righteous group. The thing is,
it hasn't even been a year yet. This
family sounds like they'll need
much more time to figure this all
out.
I hope everyone who's thinking of
telling "just one person" will heed
your story. I've heard it too many
times. That one person you tell has
to tell just one person -- and so
on, and so on.
I feel very badly for you. Since you
don't mention it, I'm assuming your school doesn't have a gay/straight
alliance. Many high schools have groups that include GLBT and
questioning youth. You don't mention your age, but perhaps you fall into
this 'questioning' area. A group like this would be so helpful for you.
Your "close and trusting" friends don't sound so hot to me. You don't
need the kind of friends who would all leave you because they hear this
news. Do you feel that you could go to your school counselor and speak
confidentially about your worries and the fact that you are being
harassed? Schools have a duty to assure the safety of every student. I
realize that all too often that's only in theory, but you have to stand
up
for yourself and get whatever help you can.
Finally, here's my usual PFLAG advice: If there's a chapter near you,
please go to a meeting and get help and advice from all the loving,
supportive parents you'll meet there. Good luck.
Love,
betty
Dear Betty,
I'm only 14 years old, and I don't know if I'm heterosexual, bisexual,
or
lesbian. I don't know how to act when my friends talk about boys at
school. I've asked a lot of lesbians and they told me to be myself and
not to care what people think, but I have to care what people think,
because kids are very unwelcoming, and they would make fun of me and
harass me. I know this would happen, because not a day goes by at
school that I don't hear someone say "that is so gay," or "that kid is
such
a fag." I'm really scared to say anything because a college student was
even killed because he was gay. What should I do?
Hope you can help me or anyone else who is reading this.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
Dear Jennifer,
Your friends gave you good advice
-- just be yourself. And if you don't
know if you're heterosexual,
bisexual, or lesbian please don't
put a label on yourself. No big
declaration is needed as long as
you're questioning your sexual
orientation.
Anne reminded me that Ellen has
told high school kids that you don't
have to be either gay or straight to
correct bigoted remarks when you
hear them. Then you won't feel
powerless and you'll be doing your
part to end discrimination and bigotry. And if you speak up, others
around you may find the courage to speak up, too.
Love,
betty
Dear Betty,
I am now in grade 10. In Quebec we finish in grade 11. I've told five
people that I am a lesbian. My parents don't know, but we had a
discussion about stuff like that and they don't approve. I want to know,
are we allowed to bring a same-gender date to the prom? Can they forbid
it, and do we have to tell them in advance?
Anyway, thanks.
Love always,
Jenn
Dear Jenn,
You have several things going on
here. You've talked to your parents
and you know they don't approve.
So first of all, if you invite a girl to
your prom, I think you need to
have a more specific talk with
them. Because they're pretty much
going to know.
As to inviting a girl, it certainly is
right for you, and I don't see why
anyone would object. Meanwhile,
I'd like to ask anyone who has
been through this experience to
please write in. Maybe you can help
Jenn avoid some pitfalls. Thanks.
Love,
betty
A Teacher's Story
Dear Betty,
I am a young gay educator in Kentucky, and very well respected. I am
currently teaching in a suburban high school in a very conservative
community. I know that I am not the only gay/lesbian teacher in our
school, but I'm probably one of the more visible teachers because of my
particular faculty position. Many of my adult friends know that I am gay
and have recently been participating in the local gay community. I no
longer want to "hide" the person I am because of my chosen profession.
It bothers me that a student may receive disciplinary actions for using
a
negative connotation to a person's race, but words such as fag, fairy,
and
dyke fly freely through our halls. Several gay/lesbian students have
come
to talk with me privately about issues concerning their lifestyle
differences. I feel these students know that I am gay, but would never
out me for my safety.
Recently my town passed a
"fairness ordinance" to assist in
eliminating discrimination of
individuals based on sexual
orientation. I am very excited
about this, and am ready to stop
dancing around difficult questions
and situations when it comes to
gay/lesbian issues. I feel that
students who are also faced with
very difficult decisions about their
sexual orientation may look at me
as a role model. I have sought the
advice of my closest friends, who
suggest staying completely in the
closet until I achieve the highest
professional level I desire. In your opinion, is it best for gay/lesbian
teachers to remain in the closet for their personal safety and
professional
advancement, or is it finally time to step out so that conservative
communities can realize that gay and lesbian educators have
accomplished the same high levels as their heterosexual counterparts?
Standing behind the blackboard,
Jay
Dear Jay,
I have great admiration for you and your integrity. All teachers should
have the dedication and passion for teaching that you have. First of
all,
the derogatory nicknames used in your school should not be tolerated by
any teachers or staff. Shouldn't the town's "fairness ordinance" carry
through to the school? Shouldn't the students be taught,
matter-of-factly,
that derogatory names against any minority group are unacceptable?
In my opinion, it would be a wonderful thing if all gay and lesbian
teachers and administrators came out. There wouldn't be enough
replacements all over the country for them. However, for you
individually
to come out, you have to decide, as do so many other dedicated, highly
qualified teachers, if you're putting your job in jeopardy. It sounds to
me
like your school system needs you. All the best to you.
Love,
betty
P.S. My personal hang-up: it's not a "lifestyle," it's a life.
Mothers and Sons
Dear Betty,
I'm an 18-year-old gay male and I just came out to my whole high
school. Before that, I told my parents, in the summer of '99. They were
shocked but didn't accept the fact that I'm gay. My mom still thinks I'm
going trough a phase. I've been through this half of my life, with lots
of
confusion and anger. It was hard, but eventually I ended up being gay,
and I'm happy about it now. I accepted myself, but I don't think my
mother has yet. How do I convince her that I am really gay? By the way,
I
just want to say that I look up to Ellen as a role model; she came out
bravely.
Sincerely,
Soul
Dear Soul,
For starters, you have to give your mom time. Look at the time it took
you to accept who you are. Once again, PFLAG (Parents, Families and
Friends of Lesbians and Gays) will help. If there's a chapter near you,
offer to go to a meeting with your mom. Or go alone and bring some of
their brochures to her. Other than that, I don't think you have to
"convince" her you're gay. Just be a good person and live your life as
you
were meant to.
Love,
betty
Dear Betty,
I read your column all the time and have a problem. I am a 16-year-old
lesbian, and out to my mother. My best friend is gay, and his parents
don't know. They found an e-mail last night from one of his gay friends,
and his mother threatened to kill herself just because he associated
with
"those people." I was planning on starting a gay/straight alliance at
our
school, but now I'm scared to, because if his parents forbid him to talk
to
me, he will completely lose it. I am his only form of support. What
should
I do?
Sincerely,
Lisa
Dear Lisa,
First of all, it sounds like your friend's mother is a bit
over-dramatic.
Second, as important as it is for you to be there for him, just think of
all
the good a gay/straight alliance could do for so many. Have you quietly
explored the possibility and do you know that your school will allow
this?
Do you have other friends who can be instrumental in organizing the
group? Anyway, it's an awfully big responsibility for you to be your
friend's
only form of support. Can't you introduce him around to other friends?
You can all support him -- even if he can't be a member of the alliance.
I'd love to hear how it all goes. God bless you, Lisa.
Love,
betty
Dear Betty,
My son is 17 years old and is the captain of his football team at
school. He came out to me last January 4th. I told him I love him
unconditionally and that I was grateful that he came to me and told me
rather than feel isolated, lonely, and most of all that he didn't resort
to
hurting himself like so many other gay teens. My son and I have
a wonderful relationship, and I can truly say that since he came out to
me
it has flourished even more.
As you know, when your child comes out of
the closet, you as a parent go in. Well I went in for two and a half
months, and I felt lonely, isolated, and depressed.
In April my son Corey came to me and told me he needed to tell the
football team who he really was. I felt really scared but knew that I
could
not tell him that he could not. That would be telling him that I was
ashamed of who he was, and I was not ashamed. I was afraid of how the
team would treat him.
He told his
team and his friends that he is
gay, and the team has treated him with
the utmost respect. Also, the
community has treated him with
kindness and respect. I know that
the football season will be OK for
him because he has his team
behind him.
Betty, in all the history of
high school football there has
never, ever been an openly gay
captain of the team. I am so afraid
of the press. I feel like once the
press gets hold of this I will have
every newspaper and sportswriter
calling him to do a story. I know
that this would do all the closeted teens out there a lot of good, but I
still
feel so afraid. Corey has talked to the founder of PlanetOut on the
computer and also on the phone, and he believes that this is really an
inspiring story. I look at my son as just being Corey. I don't know why
I
am so afraid, and don't know if its just me being his mother and trying
to
protect him. Well, Betty, I'd love to hear your take on this. Please
write me
back. Thank you for being you and being there to advocate for all our
children.
Ann
Dear Ann,
Your son is so lucky to have a mom like you. And how could you not be
there for him? I truly don't understand the mindset that rejects and
abandons a son or daughter. I can entirely relate when you say you and
your son have a wonderful relationship and it has flourished even more.
Ellen and I had the same experience. I suppose because they need our
love even more and we're able to give it -- and are then blessed with
such
a close, special bond.
It sounds like your son, like my Ellen, is a pioneer. That is by no
means
the easiest path to take, but it's people like that who will make it
easier
for all the gay, bisexual, and transgender sons and daughters
growing up in families all across this nation. You said there has never
been an openly gay captain of a high school football team. "Openly gay"
is the key phrase there. We know, for a fact, that there have been gay
young men on high school, college, and professional football teams. This
is a classic case of having to pretend to be heterosexual so that we
heterosexuals will feel comfortable - so we won't have to adjust to a
new
way of looking at this fact of life. We are so arrogant!
As moms it's natural for us to want to shield our children from too many
hard knocks. I'm sure you and possibly other friends are all providing
your input and moral support. I hope he's able to just do his best and
have a good season without too many distractions.
Thank you for being there for him.
Love,
betty
Making a Difference
Dear Betty,
As I'm sure you realize from some of your columns, one of the greatest
questions facing the gay community right now is how to better serve gay
and lesbian youth. What can the GLBT community do to offer more ways
for teens to interact with their peers in a positive environment free
from
drugs, alcohol, and sexual pressures? I'm 23 years old and have been
openly gay since I was 15. Even though I was completely open in a small,
rural town, there was nothing there for me. How, other than being openly
gay ourselves, can we as a community hope to reach out to those teens
who are reluctant to reach out for help themselves?
-- Jerome
Dear Jerome,
There's a lot you can do. You can start a support group for the teens in
your area. I was in a small Southern town that had such a group. When I
was there I spoke to them, answered questions, and then we all went out
to lunch together. Their advisers are gay men and women from the area.
I'm not sure if GLSEN.org can help you or not. They generally work
through the school systems, but it's worth a try.
Thanks so much for writing, and best of luck to you. I'd like to hear if
you're successful in this endeavor.
Love,
betty
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